Four months today, Susan has been without the husband.

Susan has reverted to thinking of herself as a normal person but she's really not. How can she be normal when there's a big hole in her universe where the husband used to be? She doesn't even know where he is other than in a cardboard container in her bedroom closet. She sat his talking George Bush doll up there to keep him company, she likes to see them together.

Susan watched the husband get sick and die in two months, shouldn't she be mad or something? Or be flinging herself around screaming and tearing her hair out? Wait, she already does that when she can't find the nail clippers.

She's recently gotten a handle on the crying. She still does it of course, but can go longer periods in between.

That first day back to work after burying Cousin Lisa Susan took crying breaks in the toilet. At the end of the day she barely cleared the front door before she broke down, then sat in her car sobbing. Every morning she cried all the way to work then sat in the parking lot, sucked up her tears & went inside.

The car is crying central, it's her little privacy bubble which inspires thought and emotion. Same thing with the shower.
Alone + thinking = Bam! She's crying.
Thinking about sex definitely makes her sad, all that trust and intimacy is just gone. Plus the husband was funny. He'd strut around the room all full of himself like a wrestler in the ring, grandstanding for his audience. Who else is going to act like that for Susan?

No one.

Susan is going to get up, go to work, pay the bills, count her blessings and keep moving toward the future.

She misses her cousin Lisa every day.

She misses the husband every minute.


Theresa DA said...

Be patient with yourself Sue,there really is no normal,I want to remove the word from our vocabulary.Two heavy losses in such a short period of time the fact that you are fuctioning at all is phenomenal,you've earned the right to grieve however you want and need.
Thinking of you,Theresa

Meg said...

Dear Susan, my thoughts are with you. I lost in sister in law and father in law within a month, and I still feel like the world spun off it's access. Thus my blog abandonment lately, but you are inspiring me back into it - you are brave to write. I do feel like you are putting some good pferg karma out there, talking about him. He sounded pretty funny.

Twisted Susan said...

PFerg was a funny motherf*cker, Meg. He'd throw his arm around me and say 'Susan, you're my best chance of getting laid.'

Cupcake Murphy said...

You have such a way with words.

Twisted Susan said...

So do you, Cupcake.