A year ago Susan would find the Sunday papers waiting for her on the dining room table, maybe with a bag of bagels sitting on top of them. The husband was always up & out early then come home with the papers; the highbrow NY Times & lowbrow Post. It was a simple detail of her life that made her happy.

She could never get far before the husband interrupted her with conversation. She'd put her finger on the last word she read, stare at him until he stopped talking, then go back to reading. Every Sunday for 20 years.

Susan's 21st anniversary is this week.

The husband's giant cutting board sits on a shelf in the kitchen. It got used every night. He'd grill a steak or pork chops or chicken, then slice and serve it from the cutting board. Every night.

What does she do without all the little things that used to be her life? Some get filled with other stuff but mostly an absence exists.  Thinking about it makes her cry, which uses up some time. She never stops her tears except for necessity or if it's like enough already.

The other day she found a collection of things she wrote to the husband long ago; poems, little notes, pictures she drew. She started reading but it was too much. She kept two and threw the rest out. They weren't for anyone else to see, just him.

Susan writes Twisted Susan for herself but invites all her bloggy pals to read along, she invites you all into her brain. That's a pretty intimate invitation.
100% guaranteed no bullsh*t.

If Susan was a downer today, too bad.


Susan Anderson said...

Hi Susan, I am here - I wish I could do something - all I can do is let you know that I'm thinking of you and sending my love, from Scottish Susan xx

Pix Under the Oaks said...

I told CH about the part of your post where your Husband interrupted your reading. I tell CH no talking while I am reading or listening to a favorite song.
Susan is not a downer. I still feel so much of what you are feeling but it is my Mom I am thinking of and missing.
I just want Susan to know that I think about her... often. I wish I could make it all better.

danielle carter said...

Very eloquent post. Cheers to Ferguson and all his sweet gestures, and his steadfast carving of the roast.

Frugal Vegan Mom said...

Hi Susan, I just wanted you to know I've been thinking about you. The blog friend relationship is such a strange one. But yours is one of the only I still care to read.

You are not a downer, pain is better when shared.

Your husband died around the same time mine left me. Sometimes I'm afraid my friends will get sick of hearing me talk about it, but I can't help it, it's my life. Usually the more I share, the more others share and then it helps me feel not alone.

Cupcake Murphy said...

I love your no bullshit brain. xoxo

Twisted Susan said...

Write me!