2.19.2011

Susan's done bending over.
She's been bending over for almost five decades and she's through with it. From now on someone else can bend the f*ck over.

She's already abdicated vacuuming, which requires tons of bending over. Did she say abdicated?
That's incorrect.
She meant to say that she engages in the same argument every Friday night with the son about vacuuming on Saturday morning. If he's unavailable on Saturday morning then the vacuuming is to be done on Friday night. But, not only does she have to argue with the son she's also got to argue with the husband about not arguing with the son.

Somebody's insane and it's not Susan.

Next, Susan will no longer be bending over to pick up the change that falls out of the husband's pockets when he takes his pants off. Susan's husband doesn't even attempt to pick up the change, like somehow it's not his job. She hears the change hit the floor every night and thinks the same thing I'm not bending over to pick up that f*cking change.

She's not bending over to pick up other people's belongings from places they shouldn't be. She's not bending over to get a new garbage bag from underneath the sink or to clean around the toilet or to pull laundry out of the dryer or to unplug the printer in order to get it out of the dining room when there's company for dinner.

She'll bend over to fill the dog's bowl that's it.

9 comments:

Where the Fur Flies said...

Good for you!

Frugal Vegan Mom said...

HA. Hahhaaaaaa. My husband does the same thing with his change and it drives me nuts.

The Zadge said...

You should keep picking up the change, but put it in a secret place and buy yourself something nice with it at the end of the year!

Cupcake Murphy said...

I just submitted a comment but got accosted by Google Password Magna Carta Crap so if this posts twice don't hate me. I read your post and snorted like a wild boar I laughed so hard. You are like my own personal Joan Didion.

Anonymous said...

Susan needs to have time to bend over a keyboard more often, that I can tell you. I second the Joan Didion comment, Cupcake Murphy. The children should clean. The husband should pick up. Susan should write.

Debra said...

Fucking good for you!

Anonymous said...

"Somebody's insane and it's not Susan"

THAT made me laugh!
good for you for standing your ground!

Meg at the Members Lounge said...

Susan, I feel the exact same way about change. I once flung it into the back yard and someone wondered why they had mowed over buried treasure. Don't get me started on the shaving cream.

Joey Polanski said...

You're not supposed to bend while you're vacuuming.

You're supposed to lie flat on the floor ...

... and make witty remarks ...