Susan's been offline for two weeks, did you miss her?

She can't hear you.

DID YOU MISS HER?

Susan's time away was capped by a total freak out meltdown where she cried at her desk, shrieked at her husband, broke her phone and then forced her children to give her hugs.

Currently, she's depleted.
There's nothing left of her but an empty sack of freckled skin which she tried to fill with wine, but even that didn't help.

However, she was able to snap her phone back together and turn it on.

Susan's childhood pal, Grace wished her a happy St. Paddy's day and reminded her that 36 years ago they were on their way to watch the parade then go drink in Central Park.

Susan believes it was only 33 years ago.

She recalls a drunken conversation with her mother from a Penn Station pay phone requesting to stay out past her curfew, but that could have been from another day.

Anyway, Susan is sorry for the quality of her BLAHg post today, she knows it's not her best and invites you to read this one from two years ago, which is better because at least it's informative.

Thank you.

Susan is taking a suggestion from Mama Kat and will fascinate you with what she has been daydreaming about.

Susan has a recurring daydream of gaining ten pounds in Italy, but who wouldn't like to do that?

She has another daydream of seeing that her medium sized children develop all the skills they'll need to navigate the tricky times in their lives. But, so does every parent.

She also daydreams of straightening out her mortgage and squeezing out a few more years in the working class neighborhood she calls home. But, so do a million other people.

Leaving Acme Sweatshop on time at the end of the day is a total fantasy daydream, completely ridiculous and unattainable, so she doesn't really bother thinking about that.

Susan dreams about something that she just might be able to pull off, something she deserves, something she will take tender care of for as long as she can.

Susan daydreams about all new towels and sheets!

Big, soft, wonderful towels with patterns woven into their plushness. Towels that will not be bleached the first week she purchases them because the children have grabbed them direct from the pool. Towels that will elevate whichever bathroom she places them in. Towels that will show her guests how much she values their comfort.

And sheets!

Sheets that actually fit around all four corners of the bed, that are not stitched together where the dog shredded them when she forgot to close the bedroom door. Sheets that don't have their own bleach related issues. Sheets that come in pretty colors! Maybe with flowers!

Sheets and towels throughout the whole house is Susan's daydream.

Susan's town threw their annual St. Paddy's Day parade. There were plenty of porta pottys, bagpipers, marching bands, twirlers, national high school varsity cheerleading champs, girl scouts, policemen on bicycles, firemen in dress blues leading rows and rows of fire trucks, flags and sirens, a marine rescue unit, antique cars, bands on flatbed trucks, a NY State Senator and a very enthusiastic crowd out with their dogs including some dressed in Guinness hats.

Susan was all set to b*tch about an advertisement she saw for the Ritz-Carlton when she got some extreme mood elevating news from Maggy at Three Many Cooks.

Susan won Levain Bakery COOKIES!

Unfortunately, she wasn't wearing her thinking cap and blurted out her good fortune to the family. Now they're all on the lookout for Susan's cookies. Making matters worse, she's expecting four divine, six ounce cookies (free of additives or preservatives) which exactly corresponds to the amount of people waiting at the mailbox.
She has no idea how she'll avoid sharing them.

Back to the Ritz-Carlton advertisement.

Of course it features a standard good looking couple embracing on a beach. Ho hum.

Leaving Everything Behind. Yet, Discovering So Much. Yuk.

Then it lists a bunch of things that Susan would never do, like bike riding and windsurfing, calling them a host of experiences she'll treasure for a lifetime. A romantic dinner with ocean views will guarantee she achieves the perfect day.

Susan loves a nice dinner, but romantic? Can't Susan just eat her steak au poivre without having to gaze into the husband's eyes and speak of love? That's not how she likes to conduct herself.

What is romantic anyway? She's down with the candlelight and wine and maybe a wink & a nod, but anything else and she's calling for the check.

Susan began her day baking beer bread with a bottle of Guinness, but she's still not sure if she liked eating bread that tasted like stout. Later this week she'll throw some caraway seeds & raisins into it and see if anyone mistakes it for Irish soda bread.

She'll also make the Guinness brownies requested by her little sister. Susan's got no idea what they'll taste like, in her mind they could go either way. But, on the slim chance they're worth making she'll hip you to the recipe.

Can you wait?

Susan can't relate to feeling bad about Charlie Sheen, not when he disperses gems like;
I'm tired of pretending I'm not a total bitchin' rockstar from Mars
or
I'm just going to sail across the winds of the universe with my goddesses.

He's bi-WINNING, bro.

Susan is on a new drug.
It's called CHARLIE SHEEN and is widely available.

Originally she didn't give him much thought, but then she became acquainted with the prowess of his oratory skills.

Describing how he quit drugs and booze Charlie Sheen said I closed my eyes and made it so with the power of my mind.

His confidence is exhilarating and Susan can't wait to bound out of bed each morning to see what he said while she was sleeping.

He exposes people to magic.

In the meantime here's a charming little website discovered by Susan's friend, Fireball.