Susan's summer eating binges have resulted in her gaining some weight. At first she didn't mind because it didn't impact her waistband, but her concern began to manifest when she developed one of those kangaroo pouches big enough to carry her teenaged children. Of course, the damned kids refuse to travel that way.
The other day she caught sight of some back fat rolling over the constraints of her brassiere and was horrified. She stared at it in disbelief then closed her eyes and looked again, it was still there. A fat back monkey.
Over the weekend she began her new inspired eating regimen by removing the cream cheese frosting from a cupcake and taking a smaller portion of Bananas a la Little Sister; sauteed in sugar and alcohol then dumped over angel food cake.
She feels invigorated.
7.28.2012
Susan's little sister scored some free tickets to a Broadway play for Friday night and chose Susan as her date. The seats were right up front so Susan was able to see spit flying out of the actors' mouths. They were also really cushiony and comfortable, which is not always guaranteed in Broadway theatres. Anyway, the play was good, it had some famous people in it and Susan got to see a few of them in their street clothes because her little sister likes to hang around the back door to get autographs.
Afterward they walked down to Columbus Circle and encountered a fellow with extremely smelly feet. Totally smelly.
On the way home they saw the Empire State Building all lit up in blue, yellow, red, green and white for the Olympics, which Susan's little sister was smart enough to figure out. Susan just thought they picked those colors because they were pretty.
Afterward they walked down to Columbus Circle and encountered a fellow with extremely smelly feet. Totally smelly.
On the way home they saw the Empire State Building all lit up in blue, yellow, red, green and white for the Olympics, which Susan's little sister was smart enough to figure out. Susan just thought they picked those colors because they were pretty.
7.20.2012
7.19.2012
Susan saw the motherf*cker of all rainbows today, it started on the left and stretched all the way to the right. She saw both ends! And, if that wasn't magical enough, there was a second rainbow begining.
She tried to alert her kids to the rainbow using the husband's phone but she kept getting wrong numbers even though she pressed HOME on his touch screen. Strangely, he categorizes a number of different home numbers as HOME but with different numerical designations, this is how Susan came to have a nice chat with one of the husband's grown daughters.
Susan looked at the rainbow for a long time and took a bunch of pictures with the husband's phone but they all came out crappy and completely un-awesome. Instead, Susan would like to substitute a picture of her daughter, the typist.
Happy Fourteenth Birthday, darling!
She tried to alert her kids to the rainbow using the husband's phone but she kept getting wrong numbers even though she pressed HOME on his touch screen. Strangely, he categorizes a number of different home numbers as HOME but with different numerical designations, this is how Susan came to have a nice chat with one of the husband's grown daughters.
Susan looked at the rainbow for a long time and took a bunch of pictures with the husband's phone but they all came out crappy and completely un-awesome. Instead, Susan would like to substitute a picture of her daughter, the typist.
7.15.2012
7.14.2012
Susan has a tourniquet on her index finger. She cut herself removing an avocado pit in order to make avocado ice cream which was a recipe she found too ridiculous not to try. It called for 1/3 cup of tequila which she didn't think was appropriate for the demographic in her house, but she had no issue including two tablespoons of ginger liqueur which she regretted not increasing to three.
The morning started off with great excitement when Susan scored a 1930's typewriter on eBay for the daughter's birthday. Then she had a cup of coffee and read a number of juicy stories in her fave paper, the Post.
Go, Kerry Kennedy!
Then she cleared off her old, dead dog's grave and oversaw the son as he arranged a bunch of paving stones into a heart shape on top of it. Then she went inside and tried to chop off her finger.
Who wouldn't want this for their birthday?
Later on Susan was amused when the daughter pretended she didn't know how to pick up dog sh*t.
The morning started off with great excitement when Susan scored a 1930's typewriter on eBay for the daughter's birthday. Then she had a cup of coffee and read a number of juicy stories in her fave paper, the Post.
Go, Kerry Kennedy!
Then she cleared off her old, dead dog's grave and oversaw the son as he arranged a bunch of paving stones into a heart shape on top of it. Then she went inside and tried to chop off her finger.
Later on Susan was amused when the daughter pretended she didn't know how to pick up dog sh*t.
7.12.2012
Susan's hatred of Facebook is well documented somewhere in her BLAHg posts. Every year she commemorates the day she deactivated her account by feeling superior. However, when Susan wanted to sign up for pinterest she had to sully herself once again with the undesirable FB.
Ugh.
There was no way around it except thru Twitter which is a word that makes her feel silly even to think about.
She put it off as long as she could then reluctantly made a new FB account and threw up. After consideration Susan invited her little sister to become her sole friend in order to have access to her pictures then tightened up her privacy settings so that no one could find her. But, that's not really possible because FB is all about finding people. Within an hour she had two friend requests from her oldest and dearest, and declined them both. Then her little sister started tagging her in pictures which started people commenting about the pictures which generated more friend requests from her actual friends.
This was a disaster.
Obviously Susan doesn't know how to effectively manage her settings and will have to employ one of her children to assist their doddering old mum.
Ugh.
There was no way around it except thru Twitter which is a word that makes her feel silly even to think about.
She put it off as long as she could then reluctantly made a new FB account and threw up. After consideration Susan invited her little sister to become her sole friend in order to have access to her pictures then tightened up her privacy settings so that no one could find her. But, that's not really possible because FB is all about finding people. Within an hour she had two friend requests from her oldest and dearest, and declined them both. Then her little sister started tagging her in pictures which started people commenting about the pictures which generated more friend requests from her actual friends.
This was a disaster.
Obviously Susan doesn't know how to effectively manage her settings and will have to employ one of her children to assist their doddering old mum.
7.11.2012
Susan's teenaged children will eat twenty yogurts instead of bending down to look through the refrigerator for something substantive.
I don't like leftovers the daughter commonly sez making her little sour pickle face to which Susan counters, That's ridiculous.
The son is no better, although he remains largely silent not divulging any information that his mother may be able to use against him in an argument.
Today Susan came home and found the remnants of something she couldn't identify in a dirty pot.
What's this? she asked the daughter.
Spicy Peanut Noodles.
You made this?
Yes.
Susan looked into the pot struggling to understand, you chopped up onions?
Yes.
Did you use soy sauce?
Yes, and sesame oil and red pepper flakes and peanut butter.
You cooked something using grown up ingredients?
Yes.
Unable to contain herself Susan threw her arms around the daughter and cried I'm so proud of you!
I don't like leftovers the daughter commonly sez making her little sour pickle face to which Susan counters, That's ridiculous.
The son is no better, although he remains largely silent not divulging any information that his mother may be able to use against him in an argument.
Today Susan came home and found the remnants of something she couldn't identify in a dirty pot.
What's this? she asked the daughter.
Spicy Peanut Noodles.
You made this?
Yes.
Susan looked into the pot struggling to understand, you chopped up onions?
Yes.
Did you use soy sauce?
Yes, and sesame oil and red pepper flakes and peanut butter.
You cooked something using grown up ingredients?
Yes.
Unable to contain herself Susan threw her arms around the daughter and cried I'm so proud of you!
7.09.2012
7.07.2012
Susan's little corner of the universe has been HOT for weeks. When the weather person predicted 101* Susan panicked and made a run for ice, mangoes, limes, tomatoes, cilantro and a sprinkler, the old school type that just sits there and sprays upward.
Back home Susan used half the mangoes for salsa (mangoes, chipotle, tomatoes, black beans, cilantro and lime juice, red onion optional). She used the other half and all the limes for sorbet in the ice cream maker, a gift from her formerly recurring house guest. Susan had no idea that she would love to make ice cream and sorbet so much most notably because it only takes twenty minutes and she can use up whatever she has in the house. Lemons and basil? That's a flavor! Susan will argue that everything tastes good if one adds enough sugar then freezes it.
Susan also made gazpacho, she's still working on the recipe but it involves tomatoes, red peppers, celery, onion, garlic and Spicy Hot V8 Tomato Juice. Susan only knows gazpacho through Pedro Almodovar but the daughter requested some so Susan is determined to figure it out. Wild Bill liked last week's attempt but Susan felt it lacked depth. This week's is better although the husband prefers it less crunchy.
Lastly, Susan made tapanade (olives, sundried tomatoes, garlic) then she took a nap.
Back home Susan used half the mangoes for salsa (mangoes, chipotle, tomatoes, black beans, cilantro and lime juice, red onion optional). She used the other half and all the limes for sorbet in the ice cream maker, a gift from her formerly recurring house guest. Susan had no idea that she would love to make ice cream and sorbet so much most notably because it only takes twenty minutes and she can use up whatever she has in the house. Lemons and basil? That's a flavor! Susan will argue that everything tastes good if one adds enough sugar then freezes it.
Susan also made gazpacho, she's still working on the recipe but it involves tomatoes, red peppers, celery, onion, garlic and Spicy Hot V8 Tomato Juice. Susan only knows gazpacho through Pedro Almodovar but the daughter requested some so Susan is determined to figure it out. Wild Bill liked last week's attempt but Susan felt it lacked depth. This week's is better although the husband prefers it less crunchy.
Lastly, Susan made tapanade (olives, sundried tomatoes, garlic) then she took a nap.
7.03.2012
F I E L D T R I P
Last week Susan took her daughter and mom to her fave local art museum to see an exhibit made from garbage.
They liked it.
They liked it.
7.02.2012
Other than Susan, who didn't get their full compliment of sleep last night?
She did pretty well till a dream woke her up at 4am and jump started her brain.
Oh, it must have been a scary dream you're thinking.
Not really, it just provided a sticky place for her anxiety to germinate.
Being tired didn't make any difference, that was that and Susan was AWAKE.
Good morning, black darkness!
Ugh.
She did pretty well till a dream woke her up at 4am and jump started her brain.
Oh, it must have been a scary dream you're thinking.
Not really, it just provided a sticky place for her anxiety to germinate.
Being tired didn't make any difference, that was that and Susan was AWAKE.
Good morning, black darkness!
Ugh.
7.01.2012
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
