Susan's got lots of stuff to tell you but she wanted to make sure you caught her current domestic situation;
Susan is ALONE. She is the solitary human resident of her house, just her & Lucy the four legged squirrel killer.
Susan is no longer raising her family, she is one hundred percent nobody needs her ALONE.
Does she miss having her family sitting at the dinner table like they did every night for 18 years?
Duh, yes.
Susan is nothing if not adaptable.
Being home without any hope of someone walking in and interrupting her simple train of thought is really kind of FRIGGIN' AWESOME.
Underpants only dress code, awesome.
Cleaning the bathroom & finding it still clean the next day, awesome.
Cooking or not cooking, awesome.
Sleeping alone in her kingsize bed, well that's not so awesome although she likes the option of piling everything she's reading over on the empty side. Susan still sticks to her side of the bed which surprises her because back in the day she'd spread out across its entirety if the husband was not available to take up his half.
Susan is still talking about the husband.
It's been a while since she's calculated how long she's endured without him; 1042 days. This number, while impressive, is only a portion of the 20 years, 2 months & 15 days they were married. And that's not even close to the full amount of time they spent running around with each other prior to their legal union.
Anyway.
Without her kids in the house Susan has to do all the chores that she would have previously pawned off on them, like taking out the garbage. However, this small domestic drudgery has already rewarded Susan with being in the perfect spot at the perfect time to watch Mrs. Drunk lurch up her front steps and fall through her screen door into the house. This was followed almost immediately by the detached screen door sailing through the air out onto the front lawn.
Susan actually had to put her hand over her big mouth to keep from laughing out loud.
If you have a minute CLICK HERE or HERE or HERE or HERE to read a few stories about Mr. & Mrs. Drunk.
Showing posts with label Male Child. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Male Child. Show all posts
10.14.2014
Susan's son came home for the weekend.
He was exactly as she remembered him.
One of the ways they spent time together was while he drove her car & she sat shotgun. This was probably the least combative activity they shared. To be accurate there was not any actual combat involved, more like argumentative flare ups even though Susan tried mightily to keep a lid on such stuff. If Susan just let herself go and argued as much as she wanted no one would be left standing. That special behavior is reserved for the husband.
They agreed to compromise on a few points such as, she'll be less sensitive and he'll be more sensitive. That sounds like a recipe for success, right? Perhaps between two grown-ups it is but her son is a teenager with an undeveloped brain, which is always in evidence. She doesn't want to badmouth her kid with a list of examples even though this is her BLAHg and she can do what she wants, so she'll provide just one; Susan requested a small task be completed and it was not done even though she asked nicely, and he agreed, twice a day for three days. What Susan really wanted to say was get the f*ck up off your ass right now and go do it.
The time came to drive the 37 miles out to the ferry which would point her son in the direction of school. The only route is a local road with speed limits as low as 30 mph and sometimes you get stuck behind a tractor.
Also, watch out for the deer!
He still had wet laundry in the dryer which got stuffed into a bag adding unnecessary weight to what he already had to hump. He didn't mind, so neither did Susan.
The kid was hungry & they had no time to stop even though they just left a house filled with food. It wasn't Susan's problem, she wasn't hungry with an hour drive ahead of her.
They arrived at the ferry in time to see it pull away meaning that he would also miss his train reservation. Not to worry, he could get another train for $97 instead of the $21 he paid. And now they had time to drive to the only place that was open and spend $19.40 on a gyro to go.
Susan didn't say a word about any of this, she paid the food bill then climbed back into her shotgun seat. She would have been able to hold her tongue if her son had not given her another in a series of smart-ass answers and then everything came out.
They ended with a mother's loving hug and assurance that she loved him. She watched him walk onto the ferry & sat there for as long as it took to call her husband and exhaust all her complaints about their firstborn. Then she drove home and watched a Marx Brothers movie.
He was exactly as she remembered him.
One of the ways they spent time together was while he drove her car & she sat shotgun. This was probably the least combative activity they shared. To be accurate there was not any actual combat involved, more like argumentative flare ups even though Susan tried mightily to keep a lid on such stuff. If Susan just let herself go and argued as much as she wanted no one would be left standing. That special behavior is reserved for the husband.
They agreed to compromise on a few points such as, she'll be less sensitive and he'll be more sensitive. That sounds like a recipe for success, right? Perhaps between two grown-ups it is but her son is a teenager with an undeveloped brain, which is always in evidence. She doesn't want to badmouth her kid with a list of examples even though this is her BLAHg and she can do what she wants, so she'll provide just one; Susan requested a small task be completed and it was not done even though she asked nicely, and he agreed, twice a day for three days. What Susan really wanted to say was get the f*ck up off your ass right now and go do it.
The time came to drive the 37 miles out to the ferry which would point her son in the direction of school. The only route is a local road with speed limits as low as 30 mph and sometimes you get stuck behind a tractor.
Also, watch out for the deer!
He still had wet laundry in the dryer which got stuffed into a bag adding unnecessary weight to what he already had to hump. He didn't mind, so neither did Susan.
The kid was hungry & they had no time to stop even though they just left a house filled with food. It wasn't Susan's problem, she wasn't hungry with an hour drive ahead of her.
They arrived at the ferry in time to see it pull away meaning that he would also miss his train reservation. Not to worry, he could get another train for $97 instead of the $21 he paid. And now they had time to drive to the only place that was open and spend $19.40 on a gyro to go.
Susan didn't say a word about any of this, she paid the food bill then climbed back into her shotgun seat. She would have been able to hold her tongue if her son had not given her another in a series of smart-ass answers and then everything came out.
They ended with a mother's loving hug and assurance that she loved him. She watched him walk onto the ferry & sat there for as long as it took to call her husband and exhaust all her complaints about their firstborn. Then she drove home and watched a Marx Brothers movie.
10.07.2014
Susan hit a milestone last week when she mailed her first box of stuff up to the wrestler in sleep away college. The contents were totally utilitarian except for the squeaking motion sensor rat she tucked in as a little reminder that mommy misses him.
Initially getting her kid to maintain even the sparsest amount of contact proved impossible. She sought the council of others in her predicament and discovered that his behavior was pretty standard.
It didn't help her feel better.
She walked around sad all the time until he called her twice in one week because he needed something. Now she's used to the relaxed frequency of his communications and happily sustains their relationship through texts and two minute phone calls.
In the 37 days he's been out of her house Susan has found that whatever she puts in the fridge will still be there when she looks for it, the bathroom no longer smells like pee, there are no 11 pm rides to satisfy his craving for bread & butter pickles, and she's accepted that he's living his own life away from her.
Initially getting her kid to maintain even the sparsest amount of contact proved impossible. She sought the council of others in her predicament and discovered that his behavior was pretty standard.
It didn't help her feel better.
She walked around sad all the time until he called her twice in one week because he needed something. Now she's used to the relaxed frequency of his communications and happily sustains their relationship through texts and two minute phone calls.
In the 37 days he's been out of her house Susan has found that whatever she puts in the fridge will still be there when she looks for it, the bathroom no longer smells like pee, there are no 11 pm rides to satisfy his craving for bread & butter pickles, and she's accepted that he's living his own life away from her.
9.05.2014
Both Susan's children are back in school however only one of them still lives in the house with her.
Susan did not accompany her son and his belongings up to sleep away college largely because she was not invited. He gave her a big hug and promised to keep in touch every day, then he abandoned her for the ferry ride that would take him off to the first day of the rest of his life.
Susan knows that past performance absolutely indicates future results and her son will be spotty with the communication. In the five days he's been on his own he's called her three times, all after receiving multiple texts from both parents to CALL YOUR MOTHER.
Susan now knows how her own ignored mom feels.
In the days that he's been gone it's almost a relief for Susan to do his chores herself instead of engaging in multiple pleading sessions related to when he will do them. She'll delegate what she can but the available personnel in her house is very limited.
Susan's children are the result of her best effort. Every drop of maternal patience, attention and insight were wrung from her until there was nothing left at the end of each day. Every night she prayed for guidance and every morning she awoke with refreshed enthusiasm. She's sure there are others who have done a better job and have better kids, but she's standing by the two she turned out.
Susan did not accompany her son and his belongings up to sleep away college largely because she was not invited. He gave her a big hug and promised to keep in touch every day, then he abandoned her for the ferry ride that would take him off to the first day of the rest of his life.
Susan knows that past performance absolutely indicates future results and her son will be spotty with the communication. In the five days he's been on his own he's called her three times, all after receiving multiple texts from both parents to CALL YOUR MOTHER.
Susan now knows how her own ignored mom feels.
In the days that he's been gone it's almost a relief for Susan to do his chores herself instead of engaging in multiple pleading sessions related to when he will do them. She'll delegate what she can but the available personnel in her house is very limited.
Susan's children are the result of her best effort. Every drop of maternal patience, attention and insight were wrung from her until there was nothing left at the end of each day. Every night she prayed for guidance and every morning she awoke with refreshed enthusiasm. She's sure there are others who have done a better job and have better kids, but she's standing by the two she turned out.
7.19.2014
Susan's beloved Cousin Lisa was not a fan of Susan's previous post, she advised Susan via text that reading about her pantry was boring and suggested a more weighty topic, to share the conversations Susan is having with her son as he gets ready to leave for sleep away college.
Susan would characterize her son as being under communicative. From at least age twelve he has maintained a steadfast creedo of non disclosure, routinely employing the effective 'I don't know' blow-off when asked about anything. He provides one word answers and admonishes her with 'I told you already' if she asks the same thing twice which she often does because her memory is afflicted with advancing decrepitude. Since that time, if she wanted to squeeze from him the teeniest little drop of personal information Susan would have to begin plotting weeks in advance. She was most successful when he was tired, but even then she would have to be very stealth lest he figure out that they were talking.
Unemployment has opened up Susan's availability around the house and a happy side benefit has been the increased number of conversations with both her children on a variety of topics.
The other evening Susan's son described for her, in punishing detail, the plot line of the new Planet of the Apes movie, even though she gave every indication that she was disinterested. Of late he's been more forthcoming with information about social events he's attended, including but not limited to; who was there, what they were doing and if they were drinking. When asked, he'll oblige her with a brief synopsis of that day's goings on at his part time camp counseling gig.
Susan has also been riding shot gun while he practices his driving giving her the opportunity to sneak in more conversation. They've discussed music, which of his friends' parents he connects with, the differences in each of his gym workouts, how he plans to use his summer earnings, what he thinks of his sister and father and his standard inquiry about what Susan is preparing for dinner.
Susan doesn't chat like best friends with either of her children because they do not allow her to do so. What she offers them, and what she believes they value, is her interest in their lives and her largely undivided attention.
Butt, who nose.
7.13.2014
The day after Susan's little backyard party for her son found her wandering the landscape of her yard like a zombied hostess collecting all the borrowed tables, chairs & coolers for return to their owners. There was very little trash because the party guests, including the teenagers, cleaned up after themselves, which is what civilized people do.
There was nothing fancy about the party, Susan made most of the food herself and even forgot a central component of the dessert, shortcake for the strawberries, but no one noticed because they were topped with cream whipped five minutes prior to serving. There were a few other failures, such as her panforte and inability to keep the food hot, but this did not deter her guests from eating everything except some grilled pineapple slices.
Susan maintained a relaxed posture with her guests all afternoon which was directly proportionate to the amount of yelling at her family she had done that morning.
Special thanks go out to Susan's next door neighbor KB, who made a wonderful spinach & strawberry salad including a dressing which had to be prepared twenty four hours in advance.
And to Cousin Greg for crawling underneath Susan's kitchen sink to tighten her faucet after asking 'What's with this faucet?'. He also bestowed an awesome gift of tequila in a bottle so large it could not fit in Susan's bar.
Teenage guest, Mike showed up after dark with a box of Entenmann's chocolate donuts resulting in eight grown-ups licking chocolate from their fingers in record time.
* * * *
* * * *
Susan spent her Party Recovery Sunday moving very slowly, doing very little, staying within collapsing distance of the couch.
6.27.2014
5.05.2014
Susan and her son were horsing around in the living room, he's eighteen with a wrestler's physique and she's an elderly woman. Shortly after the son's cell phone hit the floor and Susan faked like she was going to stomp on it she found herself flying sideways through the air. She's not sure what happened, but her brain sped through a checklist of everything in her way and she knew it was going to hurt.
She crashed into it all and slammed to the floor.
The son and husband were on her in a flash, but Susan was in no condition to move. Lucy the dog came over and licked her face, Susan didn't care, her immediate thought was of the old bottle of Vicodin she found in a kitchen cabinet yesterday.
After a few minutes of wondering if she had broken anything other than the IKEA table, Susan was hoisted to her feet nauseous and in pain. She limped out the back door to get air, and to make sure she could walk.
The pain was concentrated in two areas; her left hip & ribs. Nothing was poking out, so that was a relief, but she couldn't take a deep breath or bend without wincing then crying. The hip turned a purpley black and was quite impressive getting a wow! from the daughter. The son stuck around long enough to wait for his ride to the movies then he was gone.
Feel better soon, Susan.
She crashed into it all and slammed to the floor.
The son and husband were on her in a flash, but Susan was in no condition to move. Lucy the dog came over and licked her face, Susan didn't care, her immediate thought was of the old bottle of Vicodin she found in a kitchen cabinet yesterday.
After a few minutes of wondering if she had broken anything other than the IKEA table, Susan was hoisted to her feet nauseous and in pain. She limped out the back door to get air, and to make sure she could walk.
The pain was concentrated in two areas; her left hip & ribs. Nothing was poking out, so that was a relief, but she couldn't take a deep breath or bend without wincing then crying. The hip turned a purpley black and was quite impressive getting a wow! from the daughter. The son stuck around long enough to wait for his ride to the movies then he was gone.
Feel better soon, Susan.
1.17.2014
Susan had a great Friday.
Susan was sitting on the bleachers watching her son's team wrestle when a woman plopped down next to her and asked if she was Sean's mom.
Susan is indeed Sean's mom.
The woman was Diane, and when she opened her mouth the loveliest compliments about Susan's son came gushing out.
Good kid, polite, respectful. The adjectives every mother longs to hear about her kid. Diane told Susan that her son, Leo is a freshman and Susan's son has been mentoring him.
Diane lost her father a year ago September, he was a wrestler and Leo decided he would join the wrestling team as a way to honor his grandfather. Leo hadn't wrestled before and Susan's son has been wonderful with him, really taking the time to make a difference in his ability and confidence, being kind of a big brother in the process. Diane described the positive effect this has had on the whole family.
Susan has no idea what goes on when her son walks out the front door. She is confident that he always behaves in a way that would make her proud, and periodically this is substantiated by another parent.
Last year her son attended a wrestling tournament out of town and unaccompanied by his father. On the final day of the tournament the son pulled a very stupid stunt, got caught, and the punishment was to coach 'the little kids' every week until he graduated high school.
Leo is one of the little kids.
God bless you, Diane for providing Susan with a much appreciated alternative view of her good natured but somewhat passive-aggressive, reserved and minimally communicative teenager.
- It was payday
- The daughter commented that Susan's hair looked good
- The husband surprised her with a spicy tuna roll
- And a neighborhood mom sought out Susan in the high school gymnasium to praise her son
Susan was sitting on the bleachers watching her son's team wrestle when a woman plopped down next to her and asked if she was Sean's mom.
Susan is indeed Sean's mom.
The woman was Diane, and when she opened her mouth the loveliest compliments about Susan's son came gushing out.
Good kid, polite, respectful. The adjectives every mother longs to hear about her kid. Diane told Susan that her son, Leo is a freshman and Susan's son has been mentoring him.
Diane lost her father a year ago September, he was a wrestler and Leo decided he would join the wrestling team as a way to honor his grandfather. Leo hadn't wrestled before and Susan's son has been wonderful with him, really taking the time to make a difference in his ability and confidence, being kind of a big brother in the process. Diane described the positive effect this has had on the whole family.
Susan has no idea what goes on when her son walks out the front door. She is confident that he always behaves in a way that would make her proud, and periodically this is substantiated by another parent.
Last year her son attended a wrestling tournament out of town and unaccompanied by his father. On the final day of the tournament the son pulled a very stupid stunt, got caught, and the punishment was to coach 'the little kids' every week until he graduated high school.
Leo is one of the little kids.
God bless you, Diane for providing Susan with a much appreciated alternative view of her good natured but somewhat passive-aggressive, reserved and minimally communicative teenager.
2.07.2013
On this day seventeen years ago Susan became a mom.
Susan's son, age 3.25 years:
You stink, mom
Regarding a 4th birthday present:
He's a nice fish and a very good swimmer
Age 4.75:
Mom, it's so tricky to be good
Preschool note sent home by Miss Linda:
Sean was in time out many times today for spitting in his friends' faces
Age 5 sez canoonan when he means knish
In first grade:
Eating is gooder than learning because it makes you live.
How can learning make you LIVE?
First grade report card, 2nd trimester:
Sean continues to exhibit excessive talking. This can hurt him academically as he does not often listen to assignments. He often finishes last due to talking.
Question, unknown age:
Except bombs, what can explode?
Age 7.75 at the dinner table:
But mommy, I've already had enough bad stuff today
then crying:
It's the horriblest squash in the world!
Age 10, upon seeing a picture of Klansmen:
Why are they dressed like Hershey Kisses?
Age 16.99:
I want a Funfetti cake for my birthday
Susan's son, age 3.25 years:
You stink, mom
Regarding a 4th birthday present:
He's a nice fish and a very good swimmer
Age 4.75:
Mom, it's so tricky to be good
Preschool note sent home by Miss Linda:
Sean was in time out many times today for spitting in his friends' faces
Age 5 sez canoonan when he means knish
In first grade:
Eating is gooder than learning because it makes you live.
How can learning make you LIVE?
First grade report card, 2nd trimester:
Sean continues to exhibit excessive talking. This can hurt him academically as he does not often listen to assignments. He often finishes last due to talking.
Question, unknown age:
Except bombs, what can explode?
Age 7.75 at the dinner table:
But mommy, I've already had enough bad stuff today
then crying:
It's the horriblest squash in the world!
Age 10, upon seeing a picture of Klansmen:
Why are they dressed like Hershey Kisses?
Age 16.99:
I want a Funfetti cake for my birthday
9.20.2012
Is it not enough that Susan's eldest child wakes her up before the alarm clock to ask if he could invade the sanctum sanctorum of her purse to remove five dollars for lunch?
No, it's not enough.
Must he also phone while she's in the shower to request that she divert her commute and hand deliver to the high school the five dollars he left on the table?
Yes, he must.
Susan took the five dollars and wrapped it in a piece of computer paper because she forgets every single time she is in a store that sells envelopes, to buy envelopes. She took a thick Sharpie marker and addressed the slim package thusly;
Mommy and Daddy wuv (name of firstborn removed for privacy)
Then she decorated it with sparkly butterflies and race car stickers and dropped it off at school.
No, it's not enough.
Must he also phone while she's in the shower to request that she divert her commute and hand deliver to the high school the five dollars he left on the table?
Yes, he must.
Susan took the five dollars and wrapped it in a piece of computer paper because she forgets every single time she is in a store that sells envelopes, to buy envelopes. She took a thick Sharpie marker and addressed the slim package thusly;
Mommy and Daddy wuv (name of firstborn removed for privacy)
Then she decorated it with sparkly butterflies and race car stickers and dropped it off at school.
7.11.2012
Susan's teenaged children will eat twenty yogurts instead of bending down to look through the refrigerator for something substantive.
I don't like leftovers the daughter commonly sez making her little sour pickle face to which Susan counters, That's ridiculous.
The son is no better, although he remains largely silent not divulging any information that his mother may be able to use against him in an argument.
Today Susan came home and found the remnants of something she couldn't identify in a dirty pot.
What's this? she asked the daughter.
Spicy Peanut Noodles.
You made this?
Yes.
Susan looked into the pot struggling to understand, you chopped up onions?
Yes.
Did you use soy sauce?
Yes, and sesame oil and red pepper flakes and peanut butter.
You cooked something using grown up ingredients?
Yes.
Unable to contain herself Susan threw her arms around the daughter and cried I'm so proud of you!
I don't like leftovers the daughter commonly sez making her little sour pickle face to which Susan counters, That's ridiculous.
The son is no better, although he remains largely silent not divulging any information that his mother may be able to use against him in an argument.
Today Susan came home and found the remnants of something she couldn't identify in a dirty pot.
What's this? she asked the daughter.
Spicy Peanut Noodles.
You made this?
Yes.
Susan looked into the pot struggling to understand, you chopped up onions?
Yes.
Did you use soy sauce?
Yes, and sesame oil and red pepper flakes and peanut butter.
You cooked something using grown up ingredients?
Yes.
Unable to contain herself Susan threw her arms around the daughter and cried I'm so proud of you!
7.18.2011
Susan is now the mother of two teenagers.
She can't get by anymore with the ambiguous reference to medium sized children. Alas.
The thirteen year old girl spends her days reclining in front of a fan reading. Or drawing. All day. A summer's worth of glorious leisure time to jump in the pool and pal around with friends and paint her toenails and play with the dog.
Her fifteen year old boy has a gig as an unpaid camp counsellor which he takes very seriously; getting up & out on time and dressing like a pirate when mandated. It's his third summer as such, he calls it going to work, Susan reminds him that one can't call it work if one doesn't get paid. It's the same thing she sez to her self-employed husband.
If the kids are getting older then Susan's getting older too. She's adjusted pretty well to her advancing decrepitude. She just needs to know that somewhere out there is somebody older than her.
She really didn't get it together until she became a working mother. Her five years as a stay at home mom mixed pleasure with depression and loneliness. Being forced to return to work with small children made her figure out how to get stuff done. That notwithstanding, she's still lazy and not too smart about some things and erupts easily over nonsense and never met a magazine that she didn't want to keep stacked in a corner and would rather go to sleep than meet her marital responsibilities.
And, speaking of working mothers; poor JLo, eh?
She can't get by anymore with the ambiguous reference to medium sized children. Alas.
The thirteen year old girl spends her days reclining in front of a fan reading. Or drawing. All day. A summer's worth of glorious leisure time to jump in the pool and pal around with friends and paint her toenails and play with the dog.
Her fifteen year old boy has a gig as an unpaid camp counsellor which he takes very seriously; getting up & out on time and dressing like a pirate when mandated. It's his third summer as such, he calls it going to work, Susan reminds him that one can't call it work if one doesn't get paid. It's the same thing she sez to her self-employed husband.
If the kids are getting older then Susan's getting older too. She's adjusted pretty well to her advancing decrepitude. She just needs to know that somewhere out there is somebody older than her.
She really didn't get it together until she became a working mother. Her five years as a stay at home mom mixed pleasure with depression and loneliness. Being forced to return to work with small children made her figure out how to get stuff done. That notwithstanding, she's still lazy and not too smart about some things and erupts easily over nonsense and never met a magazine that she didn't want to keep stacked in a corner and would rather go to sleep than meet her marital responsibilities.
And, speaking of working mothers; poor JLo, eh?
2.12.2011
Susan's son remarked to Susan,
I can't wait till I get a car, know why?
Her brain immediately ran through all the reasons an newly minted fifteen year old might have;
To pick up slutty girls
To drive really fast and cause accidents
To do three sixties over the frozen lake like Susan had seen someone do the other week.
OMG, no!
Me and my friends are going to drive to restaurants and tell them it's my birthday so that we get free food.
Susan broke into a BIG smile, danced a little jig and gave silent thanks to the Lord, God Almighty for keeping her son sweet a little while longer.
I can't wait till I get a car, know why?
Her brain immediately ran through all the reasons an newly minted fifteen year old might have;
To pick up slutty girls
To drive really fast and cause accidents
To do three sixties over the frozen lake like Susan had seen someone do the other week.
OMG, no!
Me and my friends are going to drive to restaurants and tell them it's my birthday so that we get free food.
Susan broke into a BIG smile, danced a little jig and gave silent thanks to the Lord, God Almighty for keeping her son sweet a little while longer.
12.31.2010
2.07.2010
Fourteen years ago Susan was sitting on a toilet with instructions to pee into a little cup. She was doubled over in so much pain that she couldn't even say
'Arrrrgggghhhh!' when she heard a knock on the door. Neither could she turn her head in that direction when an unsuspecting stranger walked in on her.
Or the next stranger or the stranger after that.
How is it possible to be in so much pain and not be dying? Holy crap! It's like all her years of menstral cramps were rolled up into a single contraction reoccuring every five minutes.
Eventually Susan got a stretchy waist band monitor strapped to her belly and found out that this crushing pain was normal for the circumstance. After pushing for three hours she had a baby. Susan didn't even think to ask what type of baby it was, she just asked for a can of Coke.
Three mornings later she woke up in her own bed, tiptoed to the basinette at the other end of the room and was almost suprised to find her teeny baby still there, right where she left him. She knew logically that he would be there but until she peered in and made visual contact she feared that he might have evaporated. This was made possible by a grant from Demerol, hormones, lack of sleep and regular old paranoia.
Keep your eyes peeled for related future posts;
Susan sits around with her top off all day long breastfeeding
Susan has a crush on her OB-GYN
Susan can't get out of the house before 4pm
Susan has another baby and learns how to cook.
'Arrrrgggghhhh!' when she heard a knock on the door. Neither could she turn her head in that direction when an unsuspecting stranger walked in on her.
Or the next stranger or the stranger after that.
How is it possible to be in so much pain and not be dying? Holy crap! It's like all her years of menstral cramps were rolled up into a single contraction reoccuring every five minutes.
Eventually Susan got a stretchy waist band monitor strapped to her belly and found out that this crushing pain was normal for the circumstance. After pushing for three hours she had a baby. Susan didn't even think to ask what type of baby it was, she just asked for a can of Coke.
Three mornings later she woke up in her own bed, tiptoed to the basinette at the other end of the room and was almost suprised to find her teeny baby still there, right where she left him. She knew logically that he would be there but until she peered in and made visual contact she feared that he might have evaporated. This was made possible by a grant from Demerol, hormones, lack of sleep and regular old paranoia.
Keep your eyes peeled for related future posts;
Susan sits around with her top off all day long breastfeeding
Susan has a crush on her OB-GYN
Susan can't get out of the house before 4pm
Susan has another baby and learns how to cook.
2.06.2010
In honor of Susan's son's fourteenth birthday this weekend here's fourteen things she likes about him:
- He's not mean
- He eats his vegetables
- He doesn't take crap from people
- Often he's cooperative
- He gets right out of bed when his alarm goes off
- He tells the truth much of the time
- His toilet cleaning skills are improving
- He's respectful
- He got into a tussle coming to the aid of a girl
- He's trustworthy within reason
- He's still affectionate, unlike his sister
- He likes to smell good
- He can be funny when he's not just making noise
- He's been the most delightful company since 1996
10.19.2009
Middle School Progress Reports
The next five weeks of Susan's son's immediate future have been modified to exclude video games, television, the computer, and weekend interaction with his peers. Initially the son replaced the loss of these activities with sleeping but after a day or two he began considering some crazy alternatives, like reading books and helping mommy cook. He now knows how to roast red peppers, crush garlic and use the food processor.
Susan's modest fan base is already familiar with her son Fuckleupagus, newcomers may catch up here and here and here.
Susan enjoys plunging her son's world into a dark pit of boredom but she'd give it up if he'd just start handing in his assignments.
He doesn't have difficulty with comprehension, just execution. Sometimes a teacher will accept a late assignment for fifty percent credit. Susan's son explains that the absent assignment only accounts for a small percentage of the grade & therefore lacks true significance. To him, it's acceptable to complete one hundred percent of the work for half on the dollar because he also operates under the misguided idea that knowing the material is enough.
This is the third year in a row that Susan has been unable to manage her son away from this counter productive behavior. She understands that he doesn't value grades so she must find a way to inspire him to value having a calm and happy mother. She attempted this by screaming at him as loud as she's ever screamed in her life. She screamed at him so loudly she thought her eyeballs would explode and her throat would burst open and gush blood. When she was done she turned total responsibility for him over to the husband and then banished him from her sight indefinitely.
Susan's modest fan base is already familiar with her son Fuckleupagus, newcomers may catch up here and here and here.
Susan enjoys plunging her son's world into a dark pit of boredom but she'd give it up if he'd just start handing in his assignments.
He doesn't have difficulty with comprehension, just execution. Sometimes a teacher will accept a late assignment for fifty percent credit. Susan's son explains that the absent assignment only accounts for a small percentage of the grade & therefore lacks true significance. To him, it's acceptable to complete one hundred percent of the work for half on the dollar because he also operates under the misguided idea that knowing the material is enough.
This is the third year in a row that Susan has been unable to manage her son away from this counter productive behavior. She understands that he doesn't value grades so she must find a way to inspire him to value having a calm and happy mother. She attempted this by screaming at him as loud as she's ever screamed in her life. She screamed at him so loudly she thought her eyeballs would explode and her throat would burst open and gush blood. When she was done she turned total responsibility for him over to the husband and then banished him from her sight indefinitely.
8.09.2009
Summer Vacation Thus Far
Except for the barbecuey smell, Susan has barely noticed summer speeding by. She has yet to accumulate vacation time in her new career as a sweatshop seamstress and the combination of cool weather & being broke have conspired to make sure that she does nothing.
Susan's children do slightly more than nothing.
For the first month of summer Susan's son had a non-paying gig as a camp counselor at the local intermediate school. His former English teacher assisted him by writing a wonderful letter of recommendation, one which Susan keeps folded up in her pocket and takes out to read whenever she wants to brain him.
The second month of his summer has been spent either as a guest at various friends' homes or lying on his bed playing Call Of Duty 4 until he's requested at the supper table.
Susan's daughter is dropped off before work at Uncle Erik's Summer Program where she hangs with her cousins to swim, play video games, watch TV and eat chicken salad.
Susan's house guest was nice enough to take Susan's daughter and a companion to the mall one day and then reported back to Susan everything that the girls talked about.
The library & local branch of a formerly thriving video rental corporation have all played their part in keeping the daughter occupied.
Susan's summertime recreation has consisted of drinking sangria after dinner or anytime she's not required to do anything remotely responsible. The end.
Susan's children do slightly more than nothing.
For the first month of summer Susan's son had a non-paying gig as a camp counselor at the local intermediate school. His former English teacher assisted him by writing a wonderful letter of recommendation, one which Susan keeps folded up in her pocket and takes out to read whenever she wants to brain him.
The second month of his summer has been spent either as a guest at various friends' homes or lying on his bed playing Call Of Duty 4 until he's requested at the supper table.
Susan's daughter is dropped off before work at Uncle Erik's Summer Program where she hangs with her cousins to swim, play video games, watch TV and eat chicken salad.
Susan's house guest was nice enough to take Susan's daughter and a companion to the mall one day and then reported back to Susan everything that the girls talked about.
The library & local branch of a formerly thriving video rental corporation have all played their part in keeping the daughter occupied.
Susan's summertime recreation has consisted of drinking sangria after dinner or anytime she's not required to do anything remotely responsible. The end.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
