Middle School Progress Reports

The next five weeks of Susan's son's immediate future have been modified to exclude video games, television, the computer, and weekend interaction with his peers. Initially the son replaced the loss of these activities with sleeping but after a day or two he began considering some crazy alternatives, like reading books and helping mommy cook. He now knows how to roast red peppers, crush garlic and use the food processor.

Susan's modest fan base is already familiar with her son Fuckleupagus, newcomers may catch up
here and here and here.

Susan enjoys plunging her son's world into a dark pit of boredom but she'd give it up if he'd just start handing in his assignments.
He doesn't have difficulty with comprehension, just execution. Sometimes a teacher will accept a late assignment for fifty percent credit. Susan's son explains that the absent assignment only accounts for a small percentage of the grade & therefore lacks true significance. To him, it's acceptable to complete one hundred percent of the work for half on the dollar because he also operates under the misguided idea that knowing the material is enough.

This is the third year in a row that Susan has been unable to manage her son away from this counter productive behavior. She understands that he doesn't value grades so she must find a way to inspire him to value having a calm and happy mother. She attempted this by screaming at him as loud as she's ever screamed in her life. She screamed at him so loudly she thought her eyeballs would explode and her throat would burst open and gush blood. When she was done she turned total responsibility for him over to the husband and then banished him from her sight indefinitely.


Sven said...

When she was done she turned total responsibility for him over to the husband and then banished him from her sight indefinitely

I'm a male child, so I'll let you in on a secret: we know this is BS. You love us anyway. You will get zero thanks for this, I'm afraid, and in 5 years you will be the one we call when we have a real problem. No one sorts it out like your mum.

We take you for granted something rotten. We love you more.


Oh, Sven. If only.

Cyndi said...

as always ENJOYED your latest "middle school progress report" and Sunday paper. Especially can relate to the teen thing-you just have a better way of saying it. The husband also reads your blog--only when I put it in his face, and say "read this"...talk to you later. Cyndi