Susan and the husband have been manacled together in wedded harmony for twenty years.

Weren't they the sh*t back in 1994?

To commemorate this jubilee Susan attempted to dig out their wedding album, which she has come across within the last year or so, but not on this day. She did find her collection of RSVP cards on which her guests wrote little personal notes or doodles along with their will attends.

The old married couple spent the day in Sag Harbor enjoying dockside cocktails and lobster rolls, American flags, old architecture, hydrangeas, dogs, cemeteries, churches and a Drive Slowly Duck Crossing sign on the way out of town.

  

Susan and the husband spent a pretty nice day together punctuated by a wee skirmish or two, if asked she'd rate it a 7 out of 10.

One of these filthy fellas is Susan's absent son, the college wrestler.

Both Susan's children are back in school however only one of them still lives in the house with her.

Susan did not accompany her son and his belongings up to sleep away college largely because she was not invited. He gave her a big hug and promised to keep in touch every day, then he abandoned her for the ferry ride that would take him off to the first day of the rest of his life.

Susan knows that past performance absolutely indicates future results and her son will be spotty with the communication. In the five days he's been on his own he's called her three times, all after receiving multiple texts from both parents to CALL YOUR MOTHER.

Susan now knows how her own ignored mom feels.

In the days that he's been gone it's almost a relief for Susan to do his chores herself instead of engaging in multiple pleading sessions related to when he will do them. She'll delegate what she can but the available personnel in her house is very limited.

Susan's children are the result of her best effort. Every drop of maternal patience, attention and insight were wrung from her until there was nothing left at the end of each day. Every night she prayed for guidance and every morning she awoke with refreshed enthusiasm. She's sure there are others who have done a better job and have better kids, but she's standing by the two she turned out.

Susan got stung by a wasp twice in less than a minute. Ow! Ow!
As she was being attacked by a swarm of two or fewer wasps she used her awesome shrieking powers in combination with a crazy dual arm protective flailing motion while running away.

Susan's never been stung by anything except skeeters. It may have been payback for an earlier incident in which she murdered a family of wasps. Who knows. She ended up smashing this one too.

Beware wasps! You have now made an enemy of Susan.

Susan was bewitched by this photograph of a raw vegan carrot cake from This Rawsome Vegan Life and made it even though she knew no one in her family would eat it.

Other than Susan's cake not being quite as tall, nor all tarted up with pecans and pumpkin seeds, it looked exactly the same.

Her son the wrestler flat out refused to try it telling her you lost me at vegan. The daughter took a forkful then just ate the icing. The husband surprised Susan by eating his whole slice declaring it flavorful but sweet.

Susan thinks her cake more closely resembled a chewy lemon-carrot-coconut cheesecake, although the only thing it had to do with cheesecake was that it must stay refrigerated.

She chopped off a quarter of the cake and took it along to her friend Sharon's, submitting it for an opinion. Sharon took a bite, then another, said she liked it but Susan's going to check her fridge next time she's over and see if it's still in there.

Two days later Susan served a piece to her little sister, who ate it concurrently with a slice of German apple cake to balance the sweetness. Susan applauds her strategy of eating two pieces of cake because one was too sweet.

This is Susan's unemployment office. If she's home sitting on her ass, here's where she does it.

From this seat she listens to the birds singing, the leaves whispering with the summertime breeze, helicopters ferrying folks out to the Hamptons and her children declaring that there's no food in the house. Most recently this is where she pedicured herself, had an 84 minute conversation with her parents then figured out how to get a picture from her phone over to her laptop.
All important undertakings.

Susan calculated that today is her 46th day of unemployment. Running the household minus her former paycheck has guaranteed a sour temperament from the housebound daughter. So, Susan took her out to two local towns with main streets. Susan loves towns with main streets! Please notice how she ended that sentence with an exclamation point to emphasize how serious she is.

The first town they visited is where Susan attends her Department of Labor workshops. At first glance it seemed promising, but other than a coffee house with ample seating & an adorable but overpriced natural food store, there was not much to hold the girls' interest so they took a pretty drive along a secondary road to the next town, which is also home to a wonderful famous person.

The second town had a tight little main street filled with gently worn clapboard facades. The girls went in to a tiny, fragrant & friendly health food store where Susan chatted up the owner and spent an extravagant $7.29 on a box of lemon, ginger and mankuna honey tea along with a bar of African Black Soap chosen by the daughter. They went around the corner to an even teenier little ice cream parlor & candy shop where Susan observed a seventy-ish woman walk over from the beauty parlor still adorned with the protective cape and head filled with hair dye. The woman handed over a small package of chocolate covered graham crackers to the teenage cashier as repayment for a two dollar debt loaned earlier in the day. She said the crackers were a favorite when she was a girl. Turning to leave she pulled out a banana, held it up to hear ear like a telephone and instructed I told you never to call me when I was in the ice cream parlor then walked out the door.
Susan would kill for that sort of neighbor at home.

Their final stop was to the United Methodist thrift shop a little farther down the block. This is a fave of Susan's because she always manages to dig deep enough to unearth something neat. Her most magically inspired purchase was probably fifteen years earlier when Aunt Eileen sent Susan out to locate a ceramic coffee filter holder for her friend Linda. You sit it on a coffee cup, fit it with a paper filter, fill it with ground coffee & pour boiling water over it for a single cup of fresh coffee. Susan said she would keep her eyes peeled for such a thing and then found it that same week at the UM thrift shop. For a quarter.

Susan ended the day by almost throwing up in public. She may delve more deeply into that later, but not now.

Susan had a full day yesterday.
It started with another in a series of fights with her daughter over nonsense, and by nonsense she means passive aggressive bullsh*t instigated by a sixteen year old because of who knows why, certainly not Susan.

The fight sucked up a lot of energy so Susan took a shower, made some snacks for later, accompanied her pal Sharon to purchase white paint, cleaned ants out of her cupboards, then attended a Tupperware party hosted by Aunt Barbara.

Here's Aunt Barbara:

She's a sassy lady and the top seller of plastic crap in the northeast

Aunt Barbara's also a little near-sided because she mistook Susan for Julianne Moore.

Sorry Susan's real Aunt Eileen and Aunt Maryann, you're out. Barbara's her new fave.

Ed. note: Susan's friend Sharon would like it noted that the ants were cleaned out of Susan's cupboard, not Sharon's. Sharon feels that point was not clearly made back in paragraph two.

Little sister remarked recently that Susan likes to hibernate. Can Susan help it if she enjoys being home? That's where all her stuff is. She likes getting out and going places too but she can be just as happy having nothing to do.

During periods of personal financial constraint it's good that Susan likes to stay home and do nothing. Of course, she doesn't really do nothing, but it's usually such a low-impact something that it's often mistaken for nothing.

Today she baked real bread with yeast then used a long neglected pint of heavy cream to make butter. Some funny people she knows inquired (a) if she had milked something for the butter and (b) if she were wearing a bonnet.

Susan was all set to enjoy her first attempt at fresh bread, however that's not what she made. The daughter suggested it was similar to a project her brother completed in middle school; an inedible wartime biscuit made of flour & salt. The kid was right.

Susan and her daughter went out to the Parrish Art Museum in Watermill, that's Hamptons traffic, guys. Summer traffic.

Susan was all excited because Maya Lin had two geographical installations exhibited, it didn't make much difference that they were both like eh, Susan's still a fan. During the magical time when Susan worked in NYC she showed countless people Maya's overhead clock in Penn Station.
Anyway, here are Maya Lin's contributions:

 
On the way in Susan drove right past these two Roy Lichtenstein sculptures:

The museum is grandly simple in style with wood post, beam & truss construction (she looked that up), big windows, poured concrete walls, a mod restroom and tight little gift shop.

Be good or you'll have to sit outside on the concrete bench:

Susan adored this Louise Nevelson composition of wooden junk painted black, her daughter did not:

 Susan also liked this six foot tall silkscreen by Chuck Close:

The BIG lemon by Donald Sultan:

And this nerdy lithograph by Alex Katz:

During their trip Susan and her daughter established an unalterable rule: they must never be in each other's company while hungry.

Lastly, Susan remembers this as a teenager, click HERE.

Susan and her daughter took Lucy the pitbull for a walk on the beach.
You see those sandy overgrown cliffs filled with poison ivy? That's how they got up and down. Please note that's just the bottom half in the picture. Nonetheless, it was a lovely solitary walk and a strenuous uphill climb on a gray summer day.

Susan hasn't been doing anything exciting this summer, certainly nothing crazy like going on a vacation, but she's been making ice pops like her life depended on it.
Ice pops, ice pops, ice pops!
She bought a nice Zoku pop mold and immediately got inspired to use coconut milk and mango, then she added herbs.  Unfortunately the black bean chocolate fudgesicle didn't go over very well with the family but she got back on track with fig jam & yogurt pops and blueberry, cardamom & cream from the people's pops cookbook. And, how come no one ever told Susan about Coco Lopez? It's like a can of thick, sweet coconut heaven.

Other than making ice pops, Susan's also been watching Orange Is The New Black with her son, planning equally economical activities with her daughter, slaving away at her resume and following the deterioration of Bey & Jay's marriage.

Susan and her family went to the Brooklyn Museum to observe the daughter's 16th birthday. Originally the kid didn't want to do anything but she changed her mind because she's been there before and "they have a good gift shop".

They had some pretty neat stuff in there, like Kara Walker's silhouettes:

Susan was delighted to find some paintings by Georgia O'Keeffe:

Both she and her kids liked this installation by Swoon:

How about this cheeky painting of The Sculptor :

And his neighbor, this lady:

And this fella:

And then she liked all this stuff too:

 

And lastly, this thing which was made entirely from corn kernels and corn byproducts:

Susan and her daughter were five minutes into a seventy five minute drive when the daughter said she was thirsty.

What's the matter with you we just left the house if you were thirsty why didn't you bring something to drink I'm not stopping to spend money because you're not smart enough to know that you'll want something to drink on the ride didn't I just ask you to count all the singles in my purse and saw that I only had twenty two dollars you do this all the time I'm really frustrated with you!

After Susan's little tirade she saw that they were directly opposite a ubiquitous convenience store. She considered the heat of the day and how she wanted her daughter to love her and asked You want a Slurpee? The Slurpee idea changed everything for Susan from anger to chilled happiness. They went inside to get their Slurpees when the daughter asked if she could get a sandwich.

OMG we're not even out of the house five minutes you know it's a long drive why didn't you eat before we left I can't spend money on food because you have no imagination to open up the refrigerator and find something to eat this is the last time I am buying you something to eat immediately after we've left the house so I hope you enjoy it I'm not kidding this is the LAST TIME get your sandwich and go up to the register!

Susan was aware that she sounded like a pathetic wretch to everyone within earshot but didn't care, she kept the volume of her voice to a minimum but not her exasperated tone. The total expenditure, although small, was one third of the cash in her wallet, a point she made to the daughter once they were outside. Not wanting to alienate the kid any further Susan engaged her in a normal conversational tone and worked out a Plan of Correction to effectively prepare for a car ride so that her mother would never have to pull out money again.

Susan has been cycling through her own personal stages of unemployment.
First was (1) Overwhelming Relief followed immediately by
(2) Medical Appointment Scheduling
(3) Work Friend Isolation Syndrome (ongoing)
(4) Big Decision Reconsideration
(5) Pantry Reorganization
and now she is up to (6) Lists.

Susan makes lists whenever she has a need to stabilize herself or has a bunch of stuff to do in a short amount of time. First on Susan's list was her diet.

She's been feeling lethargic lately which is a dangerous condition for someone who is already a low-energy personality so she put together a list of healthier things to eat for breakfast. Susan won't bore you with what they were (shout out to Cousin Lisa) but they're all better options than mixing chocolate chips directly into a jar of peanut butter.

After her breakfast list Susan made a very nice bundt cake with all the blueberries attracting fruit files in her kitchen.

Susan dug out an unused notebook into which she transferred her breakfast list. Then she added her free things to do this summer list which was established well before there was a hint of unemployment in her life. It's a good list because there's always free things for Susan to do involving music or outdoor movies as long as she doesn't mind figuring out where she's going to park.

The next list she's going to tackle is her daily schedule because right now she has none.

Susan's beloved Cousin Lisa was not a fan of Susan's previous post, she advised Susan via text that reading about her pantry was boring and suggested a more weighty topic, to share the conversations Susan is having with her son as he gets ready to leave for sleep away college.

Susan would characterize her son as being under communicative. From at least age twelve he has maintained a steadfast creedo of non disclosure, routinely employing the effective 'I don't know' blow-off when asked about anything. He provides one word answers and admonishes her with 'I told you already' if she asks the same thing twice which she often does because her memory is afflicted with advancing decrepitude. Since that time, if she wanted to squeeze from him the teeniest little drop of personal information Susan would have to begin plotting weeks in advance. She was most successful when he was tired, but even then she would have to be very stealth lest he figure out that they were talking.

Unemployment has opened up Susan's availability around the house and a happy side benefit has been the increased number of conversations with both her children on a variety of topics.

The other evening Susan's son described for her, in punishing detail, the plot line of the new Planet of the Apes movie, even though she gave every indication that she was disinterested. Of late he's been more forthcoming with information about social events he's attended, including but not limited to; who was there, what they were doing and if they were drinking. When asked, he'll oblige her with a brief synopsis of that day's goings on at his part time camp counseling gig. 

Susan has also been riding shot gun while he practices his driving giving her the opportunity to sneak in more conversation. They've discussed music, which of his friends' parents he connects with, the differences in each of his gym workouts, how he plans to use his summer earnings, what he thinks of his sister and father and his standard inquiry about what Susan is preparing for dinner.

Susan doesn't chat like best friends with either of her children because they do not allow her to do so. What she offers them, and what she believes they value, is her interest in their lives and her largely undivided attention.

Butt, who nose.

Sometimes Susan's mental resolve weakens & she finds herself thinking OMG, I'm unemployed! 
Susan would like to establish that overall, she prefers to be employed. However, during this specific period of her life she is going to enjoy a bit of unemployment and get her balance back.

Susan finds it soothing to organize things. The fact that nothing stays that way has no bearing on the process. Actually, it's not accurate to say that things don't stay organized, because many things in her house do. The bedroom closet and kitchen cabinets are always in exemplary shape, the pantry is another scene entirely. It's an orgy of unrelated items piled on top of each other, co-mingling without any regard for decency.

The pantry is located behind bi-fold doors in her dining room. Her kitchen and dining room are technically rooms, but more closely resemble spaces one must pass through on the way out the back door. Susan's pantry also houses the washer & dryer and must hold laundry supplies as well as all manner of food, lesser used kitchen appliances such as the rice cooker and juicer as well as cook books, light bulbs, batteries, recycled newspapers and dog food. Bulky items such as extra paper goods are stored in the basement, but sometimes Susan forgets what she has down there and frivolously buys more.

Ever since her first day home from Acme Sweatshop she'd been eyeballing the pantry. Last week it became too much for her to ignore so she tore it apart.

It took the entire day, and then some, but at the end her unemployed brain was soothed and she had a place to keep her mostaccioli separated from her mayo.

Up next; Susan cleans her refrigerator!

The day after Susan's little backyard party for her son found her wandering the landscape of her yard like a zombied hostess collecting all the borrowed tables, chairs & coolers for return to their owners. There was very little trash because the party guests, including the teenagers, cleaned up after themselves, which is what civilized people do.

There was nothing fancy about the party, Susan made most of the food herself and even forgot a central component of the dessert, shortcake for the strawberries, but no one noticed because they were topped with cream whipped five minutes prior to serving. There were a few other failures, such as her panforte and inability to keep the food hot, but this did not deter her guests from eating everything except some grilled pineapple slices. 

Susan maintained a relaxed posture with her guests all afternoon which was directly proportionate to the amount of yelling at her family she had done that morning.

Special thanks go out to Susan's next door neighbor KB, who made a wonderful spinach & strawberry salad including a dressing which had to be prepared twenty four hours in advance. 

And to Cousin Greg for crawling underneath Susan's kitchen sink to tighten her faucet after asking 'What's with this faucet?'. He also bestowed an awesome gift of tequila in a bottle so large it could not fit in Susan's bar.

Teenage guest, Mike showed up after dark with a box of Entenmann's chocolate donuts resulting in eight grown-ups licking chocolate from their fingers in record time.

           *               *               *               *

Susan spent her Party Recovery Sunday moving very slowly, doing very little, staying within collapsing distance of the couch.

Susan opened a kitchen cabinet and five glass bowls stacked in descending size flung themselves downward ("Hey!") exploding on her fancy granite counter top.

This was no safety glass. Shanks and shards flew from the kitchen to the dining room.

Mercifully, Susan got only one small cut but the cleanup involved a three step process;
a straight edge was employed to sweep the debris directly into a big black contractor's garbage bag,
then the cumbersome wet-dry vac,
lastly, a series of wet paper towels to wipe up the sparkly glass dust.

There were no casualties beyond the glass bowls. Spared was the the brand new candy thermometer used for the panforte Susan made last night and the French press filled with hot coffee, a mug for which Susan originally opened the cabinet.

Does the last part of that sentence sound right? Susan opened the cabinet to get a mug and the sh*t fell on top of her.

The husband claimed responsibility for improperly stacking the glass bowls, Susan forgave him and they had coffee.