Susan peed on her sweater.
She got it a number of years ago from one of those clothing stores that sell everything for $10. It's probably lasted so long because it's ninety percent synthetic.
Byproduct of petroleum.
Susan's sweater is nubby and long with a hood that used to have a pom pom until she cut it off. It's used as a bathrobe, as blanket, and as something she actually wears outside the house, but that's rare.

The other morning Susan got up, and since she won't turn the heat on the house was freezing. She put on her petroleum byproduct sweater and went to the potty. While she was sitting there she had time to consider whether she had gotten her sweater completely out of the line of fire. She's had tons of experience wearing the sweater to the toilet so she felt confident that everything was fine. She concluded her business and as she was turning toward the sink she realized that she had miscalculated the ratio of synthetic nubbyness to toilet seat circumference to urine stream trajectory.
She had peed on it.

Every time Susan uses the restroom she sends a little prayer of thanks to the person, or team of persons who invented plumbing. OMG, plumbing is so fantastic!

Imagine if we couldn't flush our bodily filth away?
It's too horrifying to even consider. Plumbing is the number one necessary component to any decent quality of life. Let's say we were all rich and beautiful and in love,
that would be pretty fantastic, right?
Now, what if we also had to live with our own pee and poop? Horrible!

Susan's almost gotten into fist fights with people who didn't pick up their dog poop from in front of her house, imagine if she had to run after people who didn't pick up their personal poop? She'd have to become one of those full contact fighters or risk getting her ass kicked every day and that's no good because Susan's a lover not a fighter.

Well, Susan's only a lover after her husband reminds her of her marital obligation, but you get her point.

Susan is lucky enough to have two bathrooms in her modest, architecturally bereft house. Two bathrooms means one is for her and one is for everyone else.
The one that's for everyone else has a wonderful vintage 1986 aesthetic; frosted glass and mirror shower doors, peeling flowered paper and big round lightbulbs sent into a mirrored medicine cabinet. She's got plans, but for now she just keeps it clean and stocked with nice smelling soap and plenty of reading material for those who won't just be in & out.

Thank you Romans or Greeks, thank you.

The husband planned the most marvelous gift for his favorite valentine, Susan. He got up early, went to Home Depot & purchased whatever was in the bag that he used to fix the bathroom sink. Susan assisted him by stuffing a pillow under his head, locating a channel lock and holding a screwdriver in place for a few minutes. When he was done people were once again able to brush their teeth & wash their sudsy spit down the drain.
As if this weren't a wonderful enough gift, he accompanied Susan food shopping then made meatballs just the way she likes them.