Fourteen years ago Susan was sitting on a toilet with instructions to pee into a little cup. She was doubled over in so much pain that she couldn't even say
'Arrrrgggghhhh!' when she heard a knock on the door. Neither could she turn her head in that direction when an unsuspecting stranger walked in on her.
Or the next stranger or the stranger after that.

How is it possible to be in so much pain and not be dying? Holy crap! It's like all her years of menstral cramps were rolled up into a single contraction reoccuring every five minutes.

Eventually Susan got a stretchy waist band monitor strapped to her belly and found out that this crushing pain was normal for the circumstance. After pushing for three hours she had a baby. Susan didn't even think to ask what type of baby it was, she just asked for a can of Coke.

Three mornings later she woke up in her own bed, tiptoed to the basinette at the other end of the room and was almost suprised to find her teeny baby still there, right where she left him. She knew logically that he would be there but until she peered in and made visual contact she feared that he might have evaporated. This was made possible by a grant from Demerol, hormones, lack of sleep and regular old paranoia.

Keep your eyes peeled for related future posts;
Susan sits around with her top off all day long breastfeeding
Susan has a crush on her OB-GYN
Susan can't get out of the house before 4pm
Susan has another baby and learns how to cook.


Anonymous said...

That is funny! And I have a few things in common with you! I was shocked by the type of pain involved in labor. The first thing I had after delivery was a can of coke. My OB-GYN looked just like Dustin Hoffman, I wavered between crushing on him and being completely freaked out that Dustin Hoffman was looking at my business.

Can't wait to

linlah said...

Susan's lucky her OB-GYN was cruch worthy, mine looked like Mr. Green Jeans.

linlah said...

CRUSH for christ sake, I can't spell or type worth a poo today.

Deidre said...

Wow - I am totally fascinated by birth stories. And each one I hear I am all "yeah, that's not how I want to give birth"...:)

I hope you got that can of coke - just saying!

Dawn in Austin said...

All my babies were born in teaching hospitals. In case you don't know, that means I had anywhere from 5 to 15 people in the room learning how a woman has a baby. Nice. And all of them? my age. Thankyouverymuch.