Last Day of April

Hey guys, long time no see. Did you miss our Susan? She thought about you every day.

Susan's back to work now, she has what appears to be a nice job working for a big deal place that requires her to get up before 6am, which is her least favorite hour. Prior to rejoining the working world she used her seven months of unemployment to perfect the poached egg, entertain a steady line up of houseguests, drive back & forth to visit the old folks in Florida, and watch Cousin Greg get married in Brooklyn. She also discovered that she lost all her professional skills.

Susan's Little Sister packed up her family & moved to a nearby neighborhood, which is pretty exciting because now Susan doesn't always have to go everywhere all by herself.  A bunch of crappy things happened too, like Susan's little apartment got flooded, her son had four toes amputated, she had to turn over $1700 to replace a doctor's bumper and her dad died.

Susan's lovely friend *Kate, who has a knack for communicating the exact right thing, sent this poem to Susan:

Shifting the Sun by Diana Der-Hovanessian

When your father dies, say the Irish

you lose your umbrella against bad weather.

May his sun be your light, say the Armenians.

When your father dies, say the Welsh

you sink a foot deeper into the earth.

May you inherit his light, say the Armenians

When your father dies, say the Canadians

you run out of excuses.

May you inherit his sun, say the Armenians.

When your father dies, say the Indians

he comes back as the thunder.

May you inherit his light, say the Armenians.

When your father dies, say the Russians,

he takes your childhood with him.

May you inherit his light say the Armenians.

When your father dies, say the British,

you join his club you vowed you wouldn’t.

May you inherit his sun, say the Armenians.

When your father dies, say the Armenians,

your sun shifts forever

and you walk in his light.

*Ph.D., professor, writer, mom, conversational user of words like covetousness and prolix.

Susan called her mom for Mother's Day and spent half the phone call talking to her dad.
He asked her if she were a history buff (she's not a buff anything) and did she know of the Pulitzer prize winning historian David McCullough? Susan's dad was quite surprised to find that she did not, her knowledge of historical authors being limited to whoever put together the Uncensored History of Saturday Night Live, which is an entertaining book regardless.

Susan's dad told her that David McCullough's new book was a collection of speeches he's delivered over the years entitled 'An American Spirit' and he had recently been discussing it on Charlie Rose. Susan thought this sounded like the blandest collection of uninteresting OMG who cares but, she is rarely disappointed in her father's choice of reading material, and she likes Charlie Rose, so she said she'd watch the interview later that evening.

She GTS-ed David McCullough on Charlie Rose and sat enthralled for almost an hour by this series of interviews. Most exciting was his description of the Battle of Brooklyn, in which General Washington & his amateur army of mostly New England farmers got the crap kicked out of them, followed by their miraculous night time escape to Manhattan in which a providential fog is featured. Susan loved his realistic description of Washington as having never commanded an army in his life, who was out-foxed, out-flanked and out-numbered, who made bad mistakes & suffered terrible defeats but did not quit and learned as he went along.

Oh boy!

Memorable also was the story of the Christmas night crossing of the Delaware River with Washington's modest Continental Army, all in sad shape, who marched through the night and attacked the Hessians (well trained German soldiers hired by Britain) at Trenton.
And they won!
One detail stuck with her; the reports of bloody footprints left in the snow by the shoeless soldiers in that winter of 1776.

Eventually she got tired, bookmarked the interview, and went to sleep. The following morning Susan made a point to call her dad to let him know how much she loved the interview and to discuss her favorite parts.

That evening she climbed into bed with a book that was sitting around since the previous weekend when she brought it home from the thrift store. Blood, Bones & Butter; The Inadvertent Education of a Reluctant Chef begins with a description of the author's childhood home on the Pennsylvania-New Jersey border.

Here is paragraph two from page one;

That part of the world, heavily touristed as it was, was an important location of many events in the American Revolutionary War. George Washington crossed the Delaware here, to victory at the Battle of Trenton, trudging through the snowy woods and surprising the British in spite of some of his troops missing proper shoes, their feet instead wrapped in newspaper and burlap. 

Susan's parents, the Old Folks are back home now, but last week during one of their two hour breakfasts Susan's old man told her the story of Two Four Victor.

Back in the days before Susan's dad met Susan's mom he drove a NYC bus and took flight training at Teterboro airport. One morning while he was getting ready to go to work he heard on the radio that a plane had landed on Broadway in upper Manhattan at two in the morning. The story was that it landed there as a bet.

Coincidentally, his bus route took him right past the spot where the plane was sitting, taking up two parking spots in front of the precinct house. He said that the wings were off the plane & tied to the side as if they were handcuffed.
At his next lesson he learned that plane was Two Four Victor, the same one he had flown two days earlier.

Susan thought that was a great story. Her dad is filled with charming little anecdotes about people and circumstances. She told him 'I bet there's a picture of that plane' and opened up her laptop.
Susan's no genius with the computer, that's more her little sister's domain, but it took her exactly thirty seconds to find this story:
Click HERE!

Susan got all creeped out watching Celebrity Ghost Stories on TV.

She doesn't go to scary movies or listen to scary stories because she's a total baby about that stuff. 

Scary stories, even stupid celebrity ghost stories make her look at everything differently; dark corners, lengthening shadows, the new Vegetarian Times magazine. All friggin' creepy.

Let's end with a joke, shall we?

This one comes courtesy of Susan's old man:

How do we know that the invisible man didn't have any children?

Because he wasn't apparent.

Susan located a folder of e-mailed photos that survived when her brand new birthday laptop killed itself after taking her pictures and all her music hostage. These two are of her old man and his Pan Am pals, Bill and Charlie taking a bi-plane ride way back in 2006. Susan can't imagine anything she'd like less than being strapped into a teeny plane with no roof or anything to protect her when she panics and tries to jump out.
Go, pop!

On their last night in town the old folks funded a Chinese takeout banquet for all available family members, and one guest.

After dinner Susan busted out the little 20 Questions ball and amazed everyone with its magical guessing powers. She asked her father to think of a word and the little 20 Questions ball set to work asking questions for which the answer could be either YES, NO, SOMETIMES or UNKNOWN. Susan's father thought of seaplane and the little 20 Questions ball came up with robot.
Stumped!

This prompted Susan's father to tell his favorite seaplane story;
Back before they were married and Susan was on hand to illuminate their universe, Susan's father piloted her mother around in a seaplane. After he landed the seaplane it had to come out of the water which was done by pulling it up to land on a set of rails. As this occurred the pilot had to be in the plane but the passenger could not be. On one occassion a large, handsome man assisted Susan's father by carrying Susan's mother from the plane, through the water, up to dry land.

Upon hearing the story Susan's mother smiled broadly and added; His name was Steve, he wasn't big, but he was well built, blonde and tan. He carried me a couple of times.

Susan's family was enjoying cranberry cheesecake after dinner when Susan's father asked, Did I ever tell you my favorite cranberry story?

Susan didn't have a favorite cranberry story of her own so she was intrigued.

Many years ago, back before Susan's mom stopped letting Susan's dad do anything fun, he used to fly. There was a private airfield in Cape Cod that ended in a cranberry bog. If he landed when the field was flooded he'd have to wear his rubbers.

That's not really a story, Pop.

Yes, it is.

No, it's more like a description.

Okay.

Let's Learn About Susan's Folks

Susan's parents were married fifty years ago the other day. In lieu of a big party, or a card, or even a timely phone call of acknowledgement Susan is going to redeem herself by writing something nice about them.

Susan's parents created a very stable home environment. Some might say rigid, but Susan's not sayin' nuthin'. Even though a portion of Susan's decisions are based solely on doing the opposite of what her parents would have done, they created a sturdy framework for Susan to live her life.

Susan's parents didn't care if their children got mad at them and proved this by saying NO! as often as they wanted. Thanks to this Susan doesn't take any crap from her own kids.

Susan's parents like to read, so does Susan. Susan's old man used to buy so many books that her mother made him build a little room to keep them in. Unfortunately, it didn't keep her from yelling every time he brought home more.

Susan's old man fixed airplanes for a living. This meant he also fixed cars and bathroom sinks and whatever else was on the list in the kitchen. Susan doesn't actually fix things but she married a man who does.

Susan's mother sews, crochets, hangs wallpaper and has put the colors turquoise and orange together. Susan is very artsy fartsy herself.

Susan's old man has been a practitioner of Transcendental Meditation for thirty years. Susan took after her mother and relieves her stress by using filthy words.

Susan's old man had panic attacks. Susan had panic attacks!
Susan's mother likes blue cheese. OMG, Susan adores blue cheese!

Susan's parents like church.
This is where Susan and her parents part company.

Happy Anniversary, folks.

Ouch

Susan's parents drove up from the heat stroked wasteland of eastern-middle Florida to bunk with her family for a week. Susan's little sister had been hosting them for fifteen years and now it was Susan's turn.
She doesn't mind because you know, they raised her.
Anyway, they're pretty good guests.
They play cards with her kids, put up with the deaf, flatulent dog and pitch in with the chores, even the ones Susan doesn't want them to do.
Susan's old man washes the dishes by hand although Susan has explained that the dishes go in the dishwasher. This isn't an arbitrary rule, if the dishes start getting washed by hand then there won't be enough dishes to run the dishwasher and then they'll all have to get washed by hand. This is a scenario Susan avoids at all cost.
The last time Susan caught her father at the sink he was washing a lasagne pan and she gently reminded him to knock it off.

The next morning Susan was in the kitchen preparing to make a cup of coffee when she saw the lasagne pan.
She picked it up & walked toward the cabinet to put it away but she hit a wet spot. She slid across the floor and didn't stop until all 160 lbs of her, and the lasagne pan, crashed into the wall.

Susan's daughter was reading in the next room and surely heard the sound of the wall stopping her mother's trajectory, yet there was no inquiry. As Susan sat there, she reviewed whether she heard a bone snap. She did not. Eventually, the daughter came in and assisted Susan by taking the lasagne pan so that Susan could crawl across the floor, hoist herself up and make coffee.

A Lady Walks Into A Bar With A Pig Under Her Arm

This joke required two telephone calls to Susan's old man because it's his joke and she's retarded.
A lady walks into a bar with a pig under her arm. The bartender looks up and sez 'Where'd you get that dog?' The lady sez 'That's not a dog, it's a pig.' The bartender sez 'I'm talking to the pig.'

Righty Tighty Lefty Loosey

As a youngster Susan's old man taught her a short rhyme to help her remember which way to turn the knob on the spigot in order to shut off the garden hose. Fast forward forty years. At least once a day Susan gets an opportunity to stare at a faucet and think about which way she has to turn the bloody knob to get more hot water. This is matched only by the amount of time she spends thinking about how to get less hot water. For a few moments she tries to remember on her own because what sort of a pathetic load doesn't know how to get more, or less hot water from a household faucet. I mean, she turns water on and off all day so what's the problem? Ultimately, it's righty tighty lefty loosey that saves her ass from certain scalding and for this Susan is always thankful. She's thankful she's got a little rhyme that her old man taught her to keep her safe. She's happy she gets a chance to think of him every day even if mostly she's naked & dripping wet when she does.