Susan opened her laptop to find an e-mail from her son's Italian teacher. Wonderful!
No doubt she was writing to let Susan know how much she enjoys having the kid in her class.
Hmmm, that wasn't the case.
The most notable aspect of the communication, other than the son's collision course with failure, was that she was the first teacher to ever give Susan a heads up to anything. Honestly, the first.
Susan has always had to contact the teachers to talk about her kid, never the other way around.
Anyway, contrary to the way she was raised, Susan had a calm conversation with her non Italian speaking underachiever. They established that he would attend weekly extra help, study for all tests and quizzes and be plunged into a black pit of despair if he fell below a predetermined grade point.
9.27.2011
Susan found this game in which you choose a $9 an hour job and then figure out how to get through a month of bills. She had the daughter play & then ridiculed her for buying health insurance and spending money on the family pet.
The kid is hopeless.
Over the weekend Susan spent an entire afternoon baking a fresh lime chiffon birthday cake for her little sister then made everyone insist that it was delicious. The margarita cake with tequila glaze was her first choice but it was inappropriate for both birthdays and children.
She's got her cake goal for next weekend.
The kid is hopeless.
Over the weekend Susan spent an entire afternoon baking a fresh lime chiffon birthday cake for her little sister then made everyone insist that it was delicious. The margarita cake with tequila glaze was her first choice but it was inappropriate for both birthdays and children.
She's got her cake goal for next weekend.
9.24.2011
Susan has continued to comb fleas out of Lucy. It's just a few every other day, and the dog rarely scratches, but there's still more than 10 days to go before her next Frontline treatment.
Susan bathed Lucy in the marvelously fragrant all natural shampoo previously approved by cousin Lisa and now her hands smell like clove oil. When she's not huffing them inside a paper bag she's sticking them under the daughter's nose saying smell my hands.
Thanks to the change of seasons & a bit of muggy rain, the past week has been a bonanza of smells that Susan loves, other than stagnant water under her sink. All Susan's fave smells have to do with trees; pine trees, decaying trees, smoke from firewood and dirt.
Susan likes dirt.
Every day on her way to work Susan drives through a section of the pine barrens & past two pine prserves. Regardless of the weather she rolls her windows down and gives a nod to God for that perfect solitary pleasure.
Susan has memories going back to grade school attached to the fragrance of trees; class trips, summer vacations in a cousin's cabin (Hello cousin Kathleen), camping in her twenties and long Labor Day weekends in Seattle (Hello April and Lisa). There's nothing better than walking outside on a freezing winter night and smelling the smoke from a neighborhood of fireplaces.
Unrelated to either fleas or trees, if you want a treat go watch Susan's current favorite movie.
Susan bathed Lucy in the marvelously fragrant all natural shampoo previously approved by cousin Lisa and now her hands smell like clove oil. When she's not huffing them inside a paper bag she's sticking them under the daughter's nose saying smell my hands.
Thanks to the change of seasons & a bit of muggy rain, the past week has been a bonanza of smells that Susan loves, other than stagnant water under her sink. All Susan's fave smells have to do with trees; pine trees, decaying trees, smoke from firewood and dirt.
Susan likes dirt.
Every day on her way to work Susan drives through a section of the pine barrens & past two pine prserves. Regardless of the weather she rolls her windows down and gives a nod to God for that perfect solitary pleasure.
Susan has memories going back to grade school attached to the fragrance of trees; class trips, summer vacations in a cousin's cabin (Hello cousin Kathleen), camping in her twenties and long Labor Day weekends in Seattle (Hello April and Lisa). There's nothing better than walking outside on a freezing winter night and smelling the smoke from a neighborhood of fireplaces.
Unrelated to either fleas or trees, if you want a treat go watch Susan's current favorite movie.
9.22.2011
Susan came home for the second day in a row to an awful smell in her house. She assumed it was a combination of closed windows, farts and the dog but soon suspected that was not the case.
Everyone in the house smelled the smell, except for the husband whose nose is for decoration only. Susan sniffed her way from room to room asking each member of her family if they knew what a dead mouse smelled like. No one knew.
Her nose led her to the space underneath the sink; ground zero. The smell made her stumble backward and drew her children in to yell ‘Ew, it SMELLS!’ Even the husband caught a whiff and came in to investigate.
A small leak from the new sink & faucet ended up as a tub of thick, cloudy, stagnant, stinky water. Susan handed off the disposal & cleanup to the husband and fled.
Everyone in the house smelled the smell, except for the husband whose nose is for decoration only. Susan sniffed her way from room to room asking each member of her family if they knew what a dead mouse smelled like. No one knew.
Her nose led her to the space underneath the sink; ground zero. The smell made her stumble backward and drew her children in to yell ‘Ew, it SMELLS!’ Even the husband caught a whiff and came in to investigate.
A small leak from the new sink & faucet ended up as a tub of thick, cloudy, stagnant, stinky water. Susan handed off the disposal & cleanup to the husband and fled.
9.19.2011
Over the weekend Susan completed her 17th year of being married to the same person which was commemorated by a dinner of Indian food and a movie. At the theatre Susan was given the senior citizen discount because she was standing too close to the husband. Later, she found twelve dollars on the floor.
It was a good anniversary.
It was a good anniversary.
9.06.2011
Susan got new slang flashcards at the mall and she's teaching herself to talk cool like the inner city kids and rappers.
She already uses simple terms like down (in agreement, indicating willingness to participate), crew
(an intimate group of friends with whom one is most publicly associated) and aiight (often used as a generalized term of approval). She thinks chillax (to pass time in an unstructured, comfortable, stress-free manner, usually at a residence) sounds silly although many of her associates use it.
Right off the bat she can use jawn
(a substitute generic term for any person, place or thing for use when the actual word cannot be readily recalled or identified). Fresh to death (truly superlative especially as it relates to a condition of trendiness or fashion forwardness) might get some use, same with shake the spot (to leave, depart). She likes what it do
(an expression of informal greeting) because it reminds her of being a teenager in the '70s.
Steez (style & charisma which is uniquely one's own), trill (genuine, authentic) and jockin' (1: flirting- 2: imitating- 3: ingratiating oneself for ulterior motives) might take some practice.
Next, Susan's got her eye on corporate flashcards so she can learn to talk like a suit.
She already uses simple terms like down (in agreement, indicating willingness to participate), crew
(an intimate group of friends with whom one is most publicly associated) and aiight (often used as a generalized term of approval). She thinks chillax (to pass time in an unstructured, comfortable, stress-free manner, usually at a residence) sounds silly although many of her associates use it.
Right off the bat she can use jawn
(a substitute generic term for any person, place or thing for use when the actual word cannot be readily recalled or identified). Fresh to death (truly superlative especially as it relates to a condition of trendiness or fashion forwardness) might get some use, same with shake the spot (to leave, depart). She likes what it do
(an expression of informal greeting) because it reminds her of being a teenager in the '70s.
Steez (style & charisma which is uniquely one's own), trill (genuine, authentic) and jockin' (1: flirting- 2: imitating- 3: ingratiating oneself for ulterior motives) might take some practice.
Next, Susan's got her eye on corporate flashcards so she can learn to talk like a suit.
9.05.2011
The son has been saying that Lucy the lucky pit bull had fleas but Susan chose to do nothing until he reported seeing one jump up, jump up and get down. Then the daughter saw one do the robot.
Susan grabbed Cousin Lisa and headed out to the local pet superstore, the one where people bring their animals. Susan doesn't travel with her dog and doesn't understand why anyone would want to get their car all full of hair. Conversely, some people might not understand why Susan spends a half hour ironing her white blouse with the intricately ruffled collar. Whatever.
Susan was deciding between two chemical laden treatments when Cousin Lisa, ever the natural woman, held up a shampoo with peppermint oil & clove extract. Susan is powerless to resist clove extract, so, ridiculous or not she bought it. Plus, it was buy one get one free. A flea comb and some dog treats later Susan was out the door.
Once home Lucy was shampooed and combed, her dog bed was thrown out and Susan got on the internet. She replaced Lucy's heavy fabric collar with a bandanna dipped in tea tree oil then she boiled all available citrus fruits (goodbye cocktail essentials), liquefied them in the blender, strained them through the sieve twice and decanted them into a spray bottle for a natural flea deterrent. She's taught the whole family to comb the dog & squish any fleas, of which there haven't really been many, against the teeth of the comb. Susan will also introduce a dietary supplement of brewer's yeast which she recalls from her days as an owner of flea infested cats.
She'll monitor the situation but she's completely aware that she may be kidding herself.
Susan's Kidding Herself: The Update.
Susan's little sister came over, took a look at all the natural bullsh*t and made some snide remarks. Susan recognized the truth in her ridicule and sent the husband out for Frontline.
Susan grabbed Cousin Lisa and headed out to the local pet superstore, the one where people bring their animals. Susan doesn't travel with her dog and doesn't understand why anyone would want to get their car all full of hair. Conversely, some people might not understand why Susan spends a half hour ironing her white blouse with the intricately ruffled collar. Whatever.
Susan was deciding between two chemical laden treatments when Cousin Lisa, ever the natural woman, held up a shampoo with peppermint oil & clove extract. Susan is powerless to resist clove extract, so, ridiculous or not she bought it. Plus, it was buy one get one free. A flea comb and some dog treats later Susan was out the door.
Once home Lucy was shampooed and combed, her dog bed was thrown out and Susan got on the internet. She replaced Lucy's heavy fabric collar with a bandanna dipped in tea tree oil then she boiled all available citrus fruits (goodbye cocktail essentials), liquefied them in the blender, strained them through the sieve twice and decanted them into a spray bottle for a natural flea deterrent. She's taught the whole family to comb the dog & squish any fleas, of which there haven't really been many, against the teeth of the comb. Susan will also introduce a dietary supplement of brewer's yeast which she recalls from her days as an owner of flea infested cats.
She'll monitor the situation but she's completely aware that she may be kidding herself.
Susan's Kidding Herself: The Update.
Susan's little sister came over, took a look at all the natural bullsh*t and made some snide remarks. Susan recognized the truth in her ridicule and sent the husband out for Frontline.
8.30.2011
Black outs are so boring.
How many games of Bananagrams can one person endure? When the daughter dragged out the puzzle Susan opted to wash all the dishes instead. After the dishes she went down to the river to beat the clothes on a rock then she took a cold shower.
Heaven help her.
When Susan’s little sister invited the family over to her house they grabbed everything that had a power cord & sped away from Frontier Town.
It was little sister’s 23rd wedding anniversary and the hurricane necessitated the cancellation of her weekend plans to hook up with her husband who still works and lives two states away. Instead, the two families, minus one brother in law, made a lovely dinner then watched Jersey Shore.
When Susan’s crew returned home to the pitch blackness of their neighborhood the son commented about the amount of stars that could be seen in the sky and how the longer you looked at them the more of them you could see.
It was a very nice observation.
How many games of Bananagrams can one person endure? When the daughter dragged out the puzzle Susan opted to wash all the dishes instead. After the dishes she went down to the river to beat the clothes on a rock then she took a cold shower.
Heaven help her.
When Susan’s little sister invited the family over to her house they grabbed everything that had a power cord & sped away from Frontier Town.
It was little sister’s 23rd wedding anniversary and the hurricane necessitated the cancellation of her weekend plans to hook up with her husband who still works and lives two states away. Instead, the two families, minus one brother in law, made a lovely dinner then watched Jersey Shore.
When Susan’s crew returned home to the pitch blackness of their neighborhood the son commented about the amount of stars that could be seen in the sky and how the longer you looked at them the more of them you could see.
It was a very nice observation.
8.27.2011
Friday night Susan began getting ready for the hurricane by purchasing a 504 piece puzzle for the daughter. They wanted to get in a little puzzle practice so they spread it all over the table and set to work. At the end of two hours, with only four pieces connected, they dumped it back into the box.
Saturday Susan continued her preparation by taking down her wind chimes. She also clipped all the sunflowers from her front yard and put them in her dining room. A quick check of supplies determined there was more than enough liquor and ice cubes to make it through to Monday. There was also enough coffee and reading material.
And speaking of coffee, Susan's new countertop necessitated that she trade up to a French press and now she and the husband are hooked. Hooked!
They can't go back.
Saturday Susan continued her preparation by taking down her wind chimes. She also clipped all the sunflowers from her front yard and put them in her dining room. A quick check of supplies determined there was more than enough liquor and ice cubes to make it through to Monday. There was also enough coffee and reading material.
And speaking of coffee, Susan's new countertop necessitated that she trade up to a French press and now she and the husband are hooked. Hooked!
They can't go back.
8.26.2011
Susan f*cking HATES the Pinkett Smiths and prays every night that horrible things happen to them.
Will you pray too?
O, (insert the leader of your personal belief system), we beseech thee, please give Jada Pinkett Smith the most miserable itch in her lady area and make all the Pinkett Smiths' money fall through a hole in their pockets and let their children get pimply and let a rat die behind the all refrigerators in their beautiful houses and let their help all give unflattering interviews and let their tongues only taste anchovies.
Amen.
Will you pray too?
O, (insert the leader of your personal belief system), we beseech thee, please give Jada Pinkett Smith the most miserable itch in her lady area and make all the Pinkett Smiths' money fall through a hole in their pockets and let their children get pimply and let a rat die behind the all refrigerators in their beautiful houses and let their help all give unflattering interviews and let their tongues only taste anchovies.
Amen.
8.22.2011
Susan and her family went to the outlets looking for school footwear and Susan came how with these in brown.
You lost a little respect for her, didn't you?
Well, Susan already owned these but her little sister has declared them so ugly that Susan only wears them in the house. They're wonderfully comfortable for inside the house, she keeps them right next to her bed so that her bare foot never has to touch the floor.
Susan avoids walking in her bare feet at all costs, unless it's impossible. Like if her footwear is a few steps away and she can't hop or walk on her hands or anything.
She likes these too, she has no defense.
You lost a little respect for her, didn't you?
Well, Susan already owned these but her little sister has declared them so ugly that Susan only wears them in the house. They're wonderfully comfortable for inside the house, she keeps them right next to her bed so that her bare foot never has to touch the floor.
Susan avoids walking in her bare feet at all costs, unless it's impossible. Like if her footwear is a few steps away and she can't hop or walk on her hands or anything.
She likes these too, she has no defense.
8.20.2011
Evening Exchange
You complain alot Susan's teenage daughter said to Susan.
You all give me alot to complain about.
8.18.2011
Susan was in the middle of her regularly scheduled morning hot flash when she stepped outside in search of a cool breeze and walked sweaty-face-first into a spider web.
It was a big one.
It got in her mouth and her hair, it stuck to her fingers and even though she spat it out and washed it off it still left sticky remnants.
Did you notice that last sentence had five its?
It, it, it, it, it.
It was a big one.
It got in her mouth and her hair, it stuck to her fingers and even though she spat it out and washed it off it still left sticky remnants.
Did you notice that last sentence had five its?
It, it, it, it, it.
8.13.2011
Susan and the husband did something only rich people do, they went out and purchased a granite counter top. Oh, it's a lovely piece of black granite flecked with brown and it'll get turned into a wonderful counter top with a bevelled edge and a fancy faucet and soap dispenser just like the Rockefellers must have.
And, normally she would request that everyone wish the husband a HAPPY BIRTHDAY, but since he doesn't read her BLAHg he'll never know the difference.
And, normally she would request that everyone wish the husband a HAPPY BIRTHDAY, but since he doesn't read her BLAHg he'll never know the difference.
8.12.2011
Susan donated blood on the Bloodmobile this week, it was quite the sponatenous decision. She saw an opportunity to atone for blowing off the blood drive at the Knights of Columbus earlier in the week and took it.
Have you ever been on a bloodmobile before? There's not much room. Susan's bloodmobile had reclining seats that ran along the sides and two teeny little interview rooms in the back.
Teeny.
Susan sat in the teeny room being interviewed by the phlebotomist and took notice of the extreme lack of space. The room was claustrophobically small and Susan was uncomfortable. There was probably more elbow room between two people having sex than there was between her and the phlebotomist. But, Susan was there to get stuck with a needle and have her blood drained for twenty minutes and was not going to let anything derail her from that goal.
She was good with the whole thing, then she had juice and cookies.
Have you ever been on a bloodmobile before? There's not much room. Susan's bloodmobile had reclining seats that ran along the sides and two teeny little interview rooms in the back.
Teeny.
Susan sat in the teeny room being interviewed by the phlebotomist and took notice of the extreme lack of space. The room was claustrophobically small and Susan was uncomfortable. There was probably more elbow room between two people having sex than there was between her and the phlebotomist. But, Susan was there to get stuck with a needle and have her blood drained for twenty minutes and was not going to let anything derail her from that goal.
She was good with the whole thing, then she had juice and cookies.
8.11.2011
Susan's husband is an idiot.
She can say that because she's been almost exclusively complimentary for many years.
Lately there have been a bunch of trips thru the fast food window because Susan's lazy and doesn't care about her family's health.
During each one of these trips the husband mispronounced chipotle as chipotey.
She let it go and let it go until it drove her crazy and she was forced to correct him. Susan's husband argued that no one pronounces it that way.
Oh, really? No one pronounces it properly? She immediately enlisted help from the girl handing the food bag through the window.
Please tell my husband how you pronounce chipotle, she requested.
Chi-pote-lay.
End of ridiculous argument with someone who is normally not a f*cking idiot.
She can say that because she's been almost exclusively complimentary for many years.
Lately there have been a bunch of trips thru the fast food window because Susan's lazy and doesn't care about her family's health.
During each one of these trips the husband mispronounced chipotle as chipotey.
She let it go and let it go until it drove her crazy and she was forced to correct him. Susan's husband argued that no one pronounces it that way.
Oh, really? No one pronounces it properly? She immediately enlisted help from the girl handing the food bag through the window.
Please tell my husband how you pronounce chipotle, she requested.
Chi-pote-lay.
End of ridiculous argument with someone who is normally not a f*cking idiot.
8.07.2011
Susan and five sixths of her cousins met up for their annual summer dinner on City Island. Cousin Caroline was unable to join them, but pictured from left to right are Cousins Veronica, Lisa, Susie, Kathy and Melissa in front.
Yes, Susan's alter ego is known as Cousin Susie.
The cousins always meet at The Black Whale, which has a lovely garden out back under the trees. They stay late into the evening laughing, talking and eating. In fact, Susan's profile picture was taken from one of those summer dinners.
Anyway, it was raining this year so they couldn't eat in the garden.
Inside, the restaurant was filled families and children, crying babies, groups of friends and one slightly older couple seated at a small table diagonally across from the cousins.
It was a terrific evening filled with laughter, happiness, funny stories, and conversations about Captain Andy's upcoming deployment and Cousin Veronica's winter wedding.
OMG, Susie loves her cousins so much!
During the evening Cousin Susie's little sister, Cousin Kathy mentioned that the couple at the small table kept looking over at them. Everyone checked to make sure that their boobs hadn't popped out then went on with their merriment.
A little while later, Cousin Kathy mentioned that the female portion of the couple actually turned around and glared at the cousins in a very dramatic manner.
They thought it odd, but continued with their conversations.
After a bit Cousin Kathy said 'I think they threw something at us' which got the cousins' attention. However, upon closer inspection there was nothing that raised suspicion about the couple at the small table so the cousins went back to discussing Cousin Veronica's wedding dress and deciding what dessert they'd like to order.
Then a big SHUSH! was lobbed at them from the small table at the same time Cousin Kathy discovered the projectile; a wadded up sugar packet which she offered as Exhibit A.
The gloves were off!
The couple paid their check and left while comments went back & forth between the two tables. The cousins waved bye bye and blew kisses as the glaring woman gave them the finger. But when the the departing man told Cousin Veronica 'No one cares about your wedding dress' Cousin Kathy returned the wadded up sugar packet by bouncing it off his head.
None of the other diners even noticed what was going on and the cousins sat there for another hour happily enjoying each other's company before making the long drive home.
8.06.2011
Susan's little sister made her see
The Psych Furs play a free show overlooking the water on a beautiful Friday evening.
Damn her!
The Psych Furs play a free show overlooking the water on a beautiful Friday evening.
Damn her!
8.04.2011
Susan took a lovely shower as she does every morning. She let the hot water blast away at her stiff bones, relax her tense shoulders and bring some mobility back to her cricky neck. After this she would be in good shape to be able to bend over and wash her toes.
Anyway, she did everything one does in the shower then reached for the nearest towel. She started from the middle and worked upward when she got to her face she it became clear that she was drying herself with the dog's towel.
Anyway, she did everything one does in the shower then reached for the nearest towel. She started from the middle and worked upward when she got to her face she it became clear that she was drying herself with the dog's towel.
8.02.2011
8.01.2011
Susan's husband forced her to finish the kitchen this weekend. The cabinets were done but they still had no hardware, the tile back splash had no grout and the walls had to be painted.
Susan never grouted anything before. It was easy enough but she's not interested in tiling or grouting ever again. She'd be very comfortable hiring someone for that purpose.
The husband took care of the hardware while Susan started to paint. Halfway through she realized that the color off.
She didn't like it.
She closed up shop for the day and decided that she would reassess in the morning. Everything looks better in the daylight after a restorative night of sleep.
The next morning Susan sent the husband back to Home Depot for a new can of paint.
Susan never grouted anything before. It was easy enough but she's not interested in tiling or grouting ever again. She'd be very comfortable hiring someone for that purpose.
The husband took care of the hardware while Susan started to paint. Halfway through she realized that the color off.
She didn't like it.
She closed up shop for the day and decided that she would reassess in the morning. Everything looks better in the daylight after a restorative night of sleep.
The next morning Susan sent the husband back to Home Depot for a new can of paint.
7.30.2011
Susan has been without her computer for two weeks. Two weeks!
One week went by while Susan dragged herself over miles of molten concrete and the second week was eaten up by the husband forgetting to pick the computer up every single day.
Anyway, the children adjusted very well to using their father's laptop, so first thing Susan did when she got hers back was to change the password & lock them out. G'bye kids.
The second thing she did was to import her vacation pictures and who doesn't love vacation pictures!
And looked across to the White House
One week went by while Susan dragged herself over miles of molten concrete and the second week was eaten up by the husband forgetting to pick the computer up every single day.
Anyway, the children adjusted very well to using their father's laptop, so first thing Susan did when she got hers back was to change the password & lock them out. G'bye kids.
The second thing she did was to import her vacation pictures and who doesn't love vacation pictures!
Here's some jelly fish from the aquarium in Baltimore
And, proof that she was in Philadelphia
She spent the hottest night of her life with Abe
Then saw him again the next day
She visited the fantastically ornate Jefferson Building at the Library of Congress
During this trip Susan found the lovely Sackler Museum
Then over to the Jefferson Memorial
And looked across to the White House
Then everyone went to Chinatown for dimsum and Susan had a kumquat mojito or two.
The End.
7.24.2011
It's already been well documented how poorly Susan does in the heat, how she immediately and completely decompensates leaving only the extremely rotten parts of her personality in evidence. Heat and Susan are not friends, they can't even give a civil nod as they pass one another on the street. And, don't even mention that f*cking b*tch, humidity. Oh, how she hates humidity!
Susan walked on boiling hot pavement all week, first through Philadelphia then through Washington, D.C.
Susan walked till she couldn't walk any more, then somehow found the strength to keep going specifically, but not limited to, the Lincoln Memorial. It was the hottest place Susan had ever been at 10pm, like wading through an airless, steamy landscape, she could barely put one foot in front of the other. The husband referred to their nighttime trek as the death march.
At the end of the next day after walking a thousand miles across the surface of the sun Susan saw the Lincoln Memorial and said
Ooh, I'll be right back then sprinted away like a gazelle to ascend the steps and pay her respects again.
You don't get much better than Lincoln is what Susan thinks.
She had a wonderful, educational, visually spectacular trip and didn't even get blisters or a sunburn, although she got two mosquito bites and a cramped toe had to be massaged back into shape.
Susan walked on boiling hot pavement all week, first through Philadelphia then through Washington, D.C.
Susan walked till she couldn't walk any more, then somehow found the strength to keep going specifically, but not limited to, the Lincoln Memorial. It was the hottest place Susan had ever been at 10pm, like wading through an airless, steamy landscape, she could barely put one foot in front of the other. The husband referred to their nighttime trek as the death march.
At the end of the next day after walking a thousand miles across the surface of the sun Susan saw the Lincoln Memorial and said
Ooh, I'll be right back then sprinted away like a gazelle to ascend the steps and pay her respects again.
You don't get much better than Lincoln is what Susan thinks.
She had a wonderful, educational, visually spectacular trip and didn't even get blisters or a sunburn, although she got two mosquito bites and a cramped toe had to be massaged back into shape.
7.20.2011
Susan and her family went to see
this exhibit in Philadelphia and upgraded their tickets to include admission to this IMAX movie. The theatre was set up in extreme stadium style with plush seats and a dome shaped screen which took up the entire overhead space, much like a giant umbrella. Susan happily settled into the air conditioned comfort of her situation and studied the screen before the movie began. It was made of many, many fabric topped panels behind which were the speakers and other things of a technical nature. The lights went away, the titles started and a deep masculine voice began explaining how the giant screen worked. The audience was advised that some may experience a dizzy feeling, but to close their eyes and the feeling would go away. If one had to leave, they were to climb upward to the back of the theatre and once they exited the doors would lock & that would be it.
Susan wondered who would have to leave.
The movie began with a great, swooping aerial view of the desert. It was right on top of her.
She immediately panicked and closed her eyes.
I don't like this.
She waited a moment, it was only a movie, she's sat thru IMAX movies before.
She tried again.
It was too much, she bolted up to the back of the theatre and out the doors.
Claustrophobia: you don't always see it coming.
this exhibit in Philadelphia and upgraded their tickets to include admission to this IMAX movie. The theatre was set up in extreme stadium style with plush seats and a dome shaped screen which took up the entire overhead space, much like a giant umbrella. Susan happily settled into the air conditioned comfort of her situation and studied the screen before the movie began. It was made of many, many fabric topped panels behind which were the speakers and other things of a technical nature. The lights went away, the titles started and a deep masculine voice began explaining how the giant screen worked. The audience was advised that some may experience a dizzy feeling, but to close their eyes and the feeling would go away. If one had to leave, they were to climb upward to the back of the theatre and once they exited the doors would lock & that would be it.
Susan wondered who would have to leave.
The movie began with a great, swooping aerial view of the desert. It was right on top of her.
She immediately panicked and closed her eyes.
I don't like this.
She waited a moment, it was only a movie, she's sat thru IMAX movies before.
She tried again.
It was too much, she bolted up to the back of the theatre and out the doors.
Claustrophobia: you don't always see it coming.
7.18.2011
Susan is now the mother of two teenagers.
She can't get by anymore with the ambiguous reference to medium sized children. Alas.
The thirteen year old girl spends her days reclining in front of a fan reading. Or drawing. All day. A summer's worth of glorious leisure time to jump in the pool and pal around with friends and paint her toenails and play with the dog.
Her fifteen year old boy has a gig as an unpaid camp counsellor which he takes very seriously; getting up & out on time and dressing like a pirate when mandated. It's his third summer as such, he calls it going to work, Susan reminds him that one can't call it work if one doesn't get paid. It's the same thing she sez to her self-employed husband.
If the kids are getting older then Susan's getting older too. She's adjusted pretty well to her advancing decrepitude. She just needs to know that somewhere out there is somebody older than her.
She really didn't get it together until she became a working mother. Her five years as a stay at home mom mixed pleasure with depression and loneliness. Being forced to return to work with small children made her figure out how to get stuff done. That notwithstanding, she's still lazy and not too smart about some things and erupts easily over nonsense and never met a magazine that she didn't want to keep stacked in a corner and would rather go to sleep than meet her marital responsibilities.
And, speaking of working mothers; poor JLo, eh?
She can't get by anymore with the ambiguous reference to medium sized children. Alas.
The thirteen year old girl spends her days reclining in front of a fan reading. Or drawing. All day. A summer's worth of glorious leisure time to jump in the pool and pal around with friends and paint her toenails and play with the dog.
Her fifteen year old boy has a gig as an unpaid camp counsellor which he takes very seriously; getting up & out on time and dressing like a pirate when mandated. It's his third summer as such, he calls it going to work, Susan reminds him that one can't call it work if one doesn't get paid. It's the same thing she sez to her self-employed husband.
If the kids are getting older then Susan's getting older too. She's adjusted pretty well to her advancing decrepitude. She just needs to know that somewhere out there is somebody older than her.
She really didn't get it together until she became a working mother. Her five years as a stay at home mom mixed pleasure with depression and loneliness. Being forced to return to work with small children made her figure out how to get stuff done. That notwithstanding, she's still lazy and not too smart about some things and erupts easily over nonsense and never met a magazine that she didn't want to keep stacked in a corner and would rather go to sleep than meet her marital responsibilities.
And, speaking of working mothers; poor JLo, eh?
7.17.2011
Susan's f*cking computer is out of commission again.
Did you hear her put her fist through the wall?
How about when she was throwing sh*t all around the house, did you hear that? The only thing that kept her from really going crazy was that it wasn't her hard drive. Again. The point of entry for the power cord will cost $130 to be soldered back in place. Until that magical transaction occurs she's sitting at the dining room table using the husband's relic, the one she spilled sangria on.
So many exciting things have happened to Susan since last she blogged.
First, she had a piece of home made chocolate cake with peanut butter filling that just ruined her for any other cake.
Next, a recurring house guest sent her an ice cream maker, which is a bloody awesome gift to give someone. Susan's daughter, the floor installer, immediately made strawberry ice cream. This was followed by the most painfully tart and sweet lemon sorbet, which got eaten up by a house full of puckery faced guests. Doesn't a limey, minty mojito sorbet sound fantastic? Yes, it does!
Then, Susan's friend GP came for a visit with her little dog, Sadie who was immediately set upon by Lucy. Sadie was snatched up in Lucy's pit bull teeth and shaken from side to side making a reality of Susan's worst expectations. Lucy went at Sadie twice, ignoring all hysterical instructions to the contrary, then released the pup and stood calmly looking at Susan.
Miraculously, there was no blood and Sadie walked away without so much as a limp although the dogs cannot be in each other's company. So, when one is inside the other is outside. When both must be inside, one is upstairs and the other downstairs.
Oh, my.
3:30 am GP awakened Susan with Sadie's having trouble breathing! Susan stumbled out in her underwear to research the address of the 24 hour veterinary hospital in her county. She remembers a story told by Cousin Lisa's brother, Captain Andy, of his own dog's emergency followed by the general location of the hospital and 'if ever you need one'
Susan sent GP off with directions and the prophetic
It's gonna be expensive.
And it was.
Susan's in for half.
Oh, and Susan would like everyone to say HAPPY BIRTHDAY to her daughter, a brand new teenager!
Did you hear her put her fist through the wall?
How about when she was throwing sh*t all around the house, did you hear that? The only thing that kept her from really going crazy was that it wasn't her hard drive. Again. The point of entry for the power cord will cost $130 to be soldered back in place. Until that magical transaction occurs she's sitting at the dining room table using the husband's relic, the one she spilled sangria on.
So many exciting things have happened to Susan since last she blogged.
First, she had a piece of home made chocolate cake with peanut butter filling that just ruined her for any other cake.
Next, a recurring house guest sent her an ice cream maker, which is a bloody awesome gift to give someone. Susan's daughter, the floor installer, immediately made strawberry ice cream. This was followed by the most painfully tart and sweet lemon sorbet, which got eaten up by a house full of puckery faced guests. Doesn't a limey, minty mojito sorbet sound fantastic? Yes, it does!
Then, Susan's friend GP came for a visit with her little dog, Sadie who was immediately set upon by Lucy. Sadie was snatched up in Lucy's pit bull teeth and shaken from side to side making a reality of Susan's worst expectations. Lucy went at Sadie twice, ignoring all hysterical instructions to the contrary, then released the pup and stood calmly looking at Susan.
Miraculously, there was no blood and Sadie walked away without so much as a limp although the dogs cannot be in each other's company. So, when one is inside the other is outside. When both must be inside, one is upstairs and the other downstairs.
Oh, my.
3:30 am GP awakened Susan with Sadie's having trouble breathing! Susan stumbled out in her underwear to research the address of the 24 hour veterinary hospital in her county. She remembers a story told by Cousin Lisa's brother, Captain Andy, of his own dog's emergency followed by the general location of the hospital and 'if ever you need one'
Susan sent GP off with directions and the prophetic
It's gonna be expensive.
And it was.
Susan's in for half.
Oh, and Susan would like everyone to say HAPPY BIRTHDAY to her daughter, a brand new teenager!
7.10.2011
Alright, alright, calm down everybody. No black walls.
Susan's little sister recommended Susan paint the kitchen the color of Lucy the Lucky Pit Bull which is such a dark brown it may as well be black. Susan thinks she's just going to choose something a few shades darker than the newly painted cabinets and be done with it.
In the meantime Miss Twelve helped her father install a new linoleum tile kitchen floor. Susan was onsite during the critical initial stage to argue about how they should be placed. When she saw how enthusiastic and capable the daughter was Susan left the room to search for Celebrity Rehab on TV.
When she returned she was impressed with their progress, almost half the floor was done. Under closer inspection it was determined that the tiles were only sort of straight. Susan pulled them all up and made the team start over, this time under her supervision.
Miss Twelve displayed a wonderfully professional demeanor, free of complaining or pouting or anger. She stuck with it & finished as much of the floor as she could before everybody got sick of the project and quit for the evening.
Oh, and Susan would like everyone to say HAPPY BIRTHDAY to her mommy.
Susan's little sister recommended Susan paint the kitchen the color of Lucy the Lucky Pit Bull which is such a dark brown it may as well be black. Susan thinks she's just going to choose something a few shades darker than the newly painted cabinets and be done with it.
In the meantime Miss Twelve helped her father install a new linoleum tile kitchen floor. Susan was onsite during the critical initial stage to argue about how they should be placed. When she saw how enthusiastic and capable the daughter was Susan left the room to search for Celebrity Rehab on TV.
When she returned she was impressed with their progress, almost half the floor was done. Under closer inspection it was determined that the tiles were only sort of straight. Susan pulled them all up and made the team start over, this time under her supervision.
Miss Twelve displayed a wonderfully professional demeanor, free of complaining or pouting or anger. She stuck with it & finished as much of the floor as she could before everybody got sick of the project and quit for the evening.
Oh, and Susan would like everyone to say HAPPY BIRTHDAY to her mommy.
7.08.2011
7.07.2011
Susan got bleach in her eye. Ow!
She was cleaning the bathroom using her regular glasses in lieu of protective eye wear when a single drop of bleach went airborne and scored a direct hit. Pow! Immediately Susan's eyeball burst into flames. She flushed it with water like a crazy person but it still smoldered for the rest of the day.
She took her Marilyn Manson eye and started prepping the kitchen cabinets to be painted. They were sporting an undercoating of grease topped with a layer of dog hair. She green cleaned them with rubbing alcohol and a surprisingly small amount of physical effort.
Next came the disassembly, which she left to the husband; fourteen doors and two piles of hardware. Then the priming then the painting. Priming is easy because you don't have to be neat, but painting requires two coats with 24 hours drying time in between. Susan doesn't want to mislead anyone into thinking that she knocked this project off quickly. Nay! It's taken three days and she's still working on it. She fears that when she's done she'll have to paint the walls too.
It's pretty certain that she'll have to paint the walls.
She was cleaning the bathroom using her regular glasses in lieu of protective eye wear when a single drop of bleach went airborne and scored a direct hit. Pow! Immediately Susan's eyeball burst into flames. She flushed it with water like a crazy person but it still smoldered for the rest of the day.
She took her Marilyn Manson eye and started prepping the kitchen cabinets to be painted. They were sporting an undercoating of grease topped with a layer of dog hair. She green cleaned them with rubbing alcohol and a surprisingly small amount of physical effort.
Next came the disassembly, which she left to the husband; fourteen doors and two piles of hardware. Then the priming then the painting. Priming is easy because you don't have to be neat, but painting requires two coats with 24 hours drying time in between. Susan doesn't want to mislead anyone into thinking that she knocked this project off quickly. Nay! It's taken three days and she's still working on it. She fears that when she's done she'll have to paint the walls too.
It's pretty certain that she'll have to paint the walls.
6.29.2011
It's been established that IKEA sucks because they didn't give Susan bags last week. She had other issues, but the bags really bugged her. She wrote sucky IKEA an e-mail explaining the depth of her disgust and threatened to stay away until the bags came back. As the week wore on she realized that she wouldn't be able to stick to her plan of hatred and avoidance.
It started because Susan bought some really lovely dark chocolate for like,
a dollar. But, she didn't buy enough because she was afraid of what one dollar dark chocolate might taste like.
Now she needs more.
She also bought salmon and crab spread in toothpaste style tubes, but her friend George ate most of it.
She needs more.
She has to go back.
It started because Susan bought some really lovely dark chocolate for like,
a dollar. But, she didn't buy enough because she was afraid of what one dollar dark chocolate might taste like.
Now she needs more.
She also bought salmon and crab spread in toothpaste style tubes, but her friend George ate most of it.
She needs more.
She has to go back.
6.22.2011
Susan and her little sister went to IKEA after work. Before you guys get all Oh, IKEA! Susan wants to know if you've been to IKEA lately? Well, then you know that they have NO BAGS!
That's correct. They have NO BAGS unless you'd like to purchase a reusable bag for a dollar. Susan doesn't want to purchase a reusable bag for a dollar. Susan wants IKEA to provide the basic requirement needed to complete their transaction; a m*therf*cking bag.
Susan does not want to gather her little kitcheny things and votive candles and lingonberry jelly jars in the folds of her clothing like an immigrant and schlep them out to the car, which is a whole other story. Once you get outside you can't take those horribly unwieldy rolling carts beyond the barriers to the parking lot. The poor slob of a customer has to leave the cart behind, run out to retrieve their car and hope no one has pinched their sh*t.
OMG, Susan hates IKEA now and she told them why here.
That's correct. They have NO BAGS unless you'd like to purchase a reusable bag for a dollar. Susan doesn't want to purchase a reusable bag for a dollar. Susan wants IKEA to provide the basic requirement needed to complete their transaction; a m*therf*cking bag.
Susan does not want to gather her little kitcheny things and votive candles and lingonberry jelly jars in the folds of her clothing like an immigrant and schlep them out to the car, which is a whole other story. Once you get outside you can't take those horribly unwieldy rolling carts beyond the barriers to the parking lot. The poor slob of a customer has to leave the cart behind, run out to retrieve their car and hope no one has pinched their sh*t.
OMG, Susan hates IKEA now and she told them why here.
6.19.2011
Susan spent day two gardening in the front yard. She learned a few things from day one so she put on her Burberry rain boots then made the entire family come out to assist.
The Burberry rain boots are really fantastic for slogging around in mud and dog sh*t but utilizing family labor is really fantastic for doing all the stuff that hurts Susan's back.
Susan's next door neighbor came over and traded some yellow buttercups for unearthed sea grass, her up the block neighbor contributed sunflower plants. Beetles and slugs hid in the grass, birds pulled worms out of the dirt and Susan let her family do all the hard work.
The Burberry rain boots are really fantastic for slogging around in mud and dog sh*t but utilizing family labor is really fantastic for doing all the stuff that hurts Susan's back.
Susan's next door neighbor came over and traded some yellow buttercups for unearthed sea grass, her up the block neighbor contributed sunflower plants. Beetles and slugs hid in the grass, birds pulled worms out of the dirt and Susan let her family do all the hard work.
Cousin Lisa gave Susan a tree for her birthday which started a chain reaction of Susan digging up her front yard and moving plants around. Half got chucked into the compost bin.
Susan's not a gardener and she's definitely not into manual labor at all. Once a summer she'll drunk-weed the hydrangeas. Her only other involvement is thinking that somebody should do something about the yard. But today she used a shovel, a hatchet, a wheelbarrow and a pick axe like an old gold miner. Then she walked around in mud which served to grind dirt into her caloused feet.
Anyway, the place looks better.
Susan's not a gardener and she's definitely not into manual labor at all. Once a summer she'll drunk-weed the hydrangeas. Her only other involvement is thinking that somebody should do something about the yard. But today she used a shovel, a hatchet, a wheelbarrow and a pick axe like an old gold miner. Then she walked around in mud which served to grind dirt into her caloused feet.
Anyway, the place looks better.
6.18.2011
Susan turned down a piece of cake this week.
She knows what you're thinking, but it was a really awful cake that her little sister picked out.
Imagine the worst cake in the world and what do you come up with?
White chocolate?
That's right.
And the inside?
Red velvet.
Ugh!
The white chocolate red velvet cake was so horrible that Susan couldn't even stand the smell of it and once this was discovered everyone took great delight in sticking their cake under Susan's nose.
Susan hates her family.
She knows what you're thinking, but it was a really awful cake that her little sister picked out.
Imagine the worst cake in the world and what do you come up with?
White chocolate?
That's right.
And the inside?
Red velvet.
Ugh!
The white chocolate red velvet cake was so horrible that Susan couldn't even stand the smell of it and once this was discovered everyone took great delight in sticking their cake under Susan's nose.
Susan hates her family.
6.13.2011
Susan had three large teenagers in the backseat of her car. One belonged to her and the other two were being driven three blocks. They whined like babies when she made them strap in.
I can't find the seat belts
Are there even any back here?
Susan assisted them by illuminating the inside of the car and waiting until they were securely fastened before she drove even one inch.
When she got home she took the opportunity to review with her son & daughter the minimum requirements she has for them as her children;
They must always wear their seat belts even when no one tells them to, even when they're in the back seat, even when their friends make fun of them.
She told them that they will doom her to a life of grief and agony if anything happens to them because they opted not to wear their seat belts. Even once.
We do wear our seat belts mom, all the time they said, their voices dripping with that special exasperation reserved just for Susan.
I can't find the seat belts
Are there even any back here?
Susan assisted them by illuminating the inside of the car and waiting until they were securely fastened before she drove even one inch.
When she got home she took the opportunity to review with her son & daughter the minimum requirements she has for them as her children;
They must always wear their seat belts even when no one tells them to, even when they're in the back seat, even when their friends make fun of them.
She told them that they will doom her to a life of grief and agony if anything happens to them because they opted not to wear their seat belts. Even once.
We do wear our seat belts mom, all the time they said, their voices dripping with that special exasperation reserved just for Susan.
6.11.2011
Susan's back to normal now. Her bad mood has blown over and everything is as it was.
She treated herself to a sparkly pair of flat shoes. Any time she has money she looks for flats. All year round. She loves heels but she loves flats too. Susan's got a big foot, not as big as her little sister's, but big enough.
The flats made it a good day.
She treated herself to a sparkly pair of flat shoes. Any time she has money she looks for flats. All year round. She loves heels but she loves flats too. Susan's got a big foot, not as big as her little sister's, but big enough.
The flats made it a good day.
6.10.2011
There is no balance in Susan's life. None.
It's all workworkworkwork then she goes home and drinks. Or sleeps. Or screams at people to hang up wet towels.
Today was Susan's birthday and it was a real crappy one. She was in a foul mood left over from yesterday and couldn't even fake a smile. Of course, she didn't really try.
People in the know wished Susan a happy birthday, gave her cards,
a flowering plant, a cake. That sort of helped, but only a little.
Susan's mood improved when her friend Fire Ball showed up with her little offspring. They presented Susan with a wonderful arrangement of orange Gerbera daisies and palm fronds then Susan allowed the little offspring to charm her into fifteen minutes of relaxation.
Later at home Susan's little sister and all her nieces showed up with a birthday cake, Susan blew the candles out unenthusiastically.
She told her little sister the story of the previous m*therf*cking rotten day at Acme Sweatshop then her little sister shared her own unpleasant work stories.
It seems that Susan is not alone in her birthday misery, and that knowledge was the best present of all.
It's all workworkworkwork then she goes home and drinks. Or sleeps. Or screams at people to hang up wet towels.
Today was Susan's birthday and it was a real crappy one. She was in a foul mood left over from yesterday and couldn't even fake a smile. Of course, she didn't really try.
People in the know wished Susan a happy birthday, gave her cards,
a flowering plant, a cake. That sort of helped, but only a little.
Susan's mood improved when her friend Fire Ball showed up with her little offspring. They presented Susan with a wonderful arrangement of orange Gerbera daisies and palm fronds then Susan allowed the little offspring to charm her into fifteen minutes of relaxation.
Later at home Susan's little sister and all her nieces showed up with a birthday cake, Susan blew the candles out unenthusiastically.
She told her little sister the story of the previous m*therf*cking rotten day at Acme Sweatshop then her little sister shared her own unpleasant work stories.
It seems that Susan is not alone in her birthday misery, and that knowledge was the best present of all.
6.08.2011
Susan had a really m*therf*cking rotten day at Acme Sweatshop, one that required blueberry pancakes for dinner. Plump, explosive blueberries in fluffy pancakes was the only thing she could think of as she stomped out of her office at the end of the day.
She purchased the blueberries on her way home along with some outrageously red, voluptuously ripe strawberries.
They were crazy ripe.
The strawberries got dipped directly into the sugar bowl as she mixed the pancake batter. She dipped, then bit, then dipped again, she didn't care. Be forewarned if you use the sugar at Susan's house.
Anyway, Susan's too tired to blog a proper ending and will conclude with; dinner was eaten with great enthusiasm by her children. The end.
She purchased the blueberries on her way home along with some outrageously red, voluptuously ripe strawberries.
They were crazy ripe.
The strawberries got dipped directly into the sugar bowl as she mixed the pancake batter. She dipped, then bit, then dipped again, she didn't care. Be forewarned if you use the sugar at Susan's house.
Anyway, Susan's too tired to blog a proper ending and will conclude with; dinner was eaten with great enthusiasm by her children. The end.
6.07.2011
Susan is jealous of people who have book clubs. Not only is it a way to force yourself to read a book, it's also something to do once a month.
Susan wanted to start a book club and inquired of her little sister if she knew any smart readers.
No James Patterson types, no one under 40, no aggressive talkers and no one who lived too far away.
Susan's little sister claimed not to know anyone who fit that criteria. Furthermore, she declined membership for herself claiming that she had no time to read an entire book.
You can't read a book in a month? Susan asked in an agitated manner and ultimately hounded her little sister into an exasperated acceptance.
Next she texted a neighborhood girlfriend while she daydreamed about what cocktails and little foody things she would serve at book club.
No thanks, I don't care for book clubs was the texted response.
Susan was out of people to invite.
So, Susan is the President of her Tiny Book Club and her little sister is Seargant at Arms. They'll enthusiastically accept any recommendations for something to read.
Susan wanted to start a book club and inquired of her little sister if she knew any smart readers.
No James Patterson types, no one under 40, no aggressive talkers and no one who lived too far away.
Susan's little sister claimed not to know anyone who fit that criteria. Furthermore, she declined membership for herself claiming that she had no time to read an entire book.
You can't read a book in a month? Susan asked in an agitated manner and ultimately hounded her little sister into an exasperated acceptance.
Next she texted a neighborhood girlfriend while she daydreamed about what cocktails and little foody things she would serve at book club.
No thanks, I don't care for book clubs was the texted response.
Susan was out of people to invite.
So, Susan is the President of her Tiny Book Club and her little sister is Seargant at Arms. They'll enthusiastically accept any recommendations for something to read.
5.31.2011
With this quote from Emily Dickinson;
'One need not be a chamber to be haunted, One need not be a house. The brain has corridors surpassing material place.' Mama Kat prompted Susan to write about her claustrophobia.
Susan discovered she was thusly afflicted the day her old man requested her assistance holding up a muffler pipe. He put her on the creeper, slid her underneath the car and she crossed a threshold from which she has been unable to return.
Susan can remember every elevator that's pushed her to the brink of hysteria; in a Seattle parking garage, in Macy's, Herald Square and in any office building she's ever worked. She can get on an elevator when there's no other option. But when there is, she's taking the stairs.
Back in her twenties she was still able to maintain her composure as she climbed the narrow staircase of a local lighthouse, but it took tremendous focus. Now, she wouldn't dare try.
The results of each brush with claustrophobia are bad dreams and heightened anxiety. Susan has learned to manage these side effects relatively well because she's had alot of practice.
During a block party a few years back Susan followed her little sister into one of those inflatable jumpy things and was seized with fear when she stuck her face into the little opening.
Small passageways are off limits to Susan now.
That great scene where Uma Thurman busts her way out of the grave in Kill Bill Vol.2...forget it! Susan risks insanity if she watches it again.
She was sedated to get through this situation, had to stop reading halfway through this article and sometimes she gets claustrophobic if she stares at the bottom of the glass while she's drinking.
'One need not be a chamber to be haunted, One need not be a house. The brain has corridors surpassing material place.' Mama Kat prompted Susan to write about her claustrophobia.
Susan discovered she was thusly afflicted the day her old man requested her assistance holding up a muffler pipe. He put her on the creeper, slid her underneath the car and she crossed a threshold from which she has been unable to return.
Susan can remember every elevator that's pushed her to the brink of hysteria; in a Seattle parking garage, in Macy's, Herald Square and in any office building she's ever worked. She can get on an elevator when there's no other option. But when there is, she's taking the stairs.
Back in her twenties she was still able to maintain her composure as she climbed the narrow staircase of a local lighthouse, but it took tremendous focus. Now, she wouldn't dare try.
The results of each brush with claustrophobia are bad dreams and heightened anxiety. Susan has learned to manage these side effects relatively well because she's had alot of practice.
During a block party a few years back Susan followed her little sister into one of those inflatable jumpy things and was seized with fear when she stuck her face into the little opening.
Small passageways are off limits to Susan now.
That great scene where Uma Thurman busts her way out of the grave in Kill Bill Vol.2...forget it! Susan risks insanity if she watches it again.
She was sedated to get through this situation, had to stop reading halfway through this article and sometimes she gets claustrophobic if she stares at the bottom of the glass while she's drinking.
Crazy, she knows.
5.30.2011
5.29.2011
Susan's family was in need of summer staples including sneakers and underwear so they went to the outlets on Saturday. Is there anything more suburban than the outlets?
Maybe the food court.
The food court at the outlets offered Susan a limited amount of unappealing choices for her lunch. She rejected flaccid pizza, slimy Chinese and $7 egg salad sandwiches. The husband sensing danger investigated why Susan didn't have a try of food in front of her.
'There is nothing I could possibly eat in this place, one thing is greasier than the next.'
Just then, an overweight woman at the next table, picked up her giant soda and plate of disgusting food and moved from within earshot of Susan.
In the meantime, the husband knew exactly what Susan needed and got her a chili cheese dog from Nathan's. It was fabulous!
Maybe the food court.
The food court at the outlets offered Susan a limited amount of unappealing choices for her lunch. She rejected flaccid pizza, slimy Chinese and $7 egg salad sandwiches. The husband sensing danger investigated why Susan didn't have a try of food in front of her.
'There is nothing I could possibly eat in this place, one thing is greasier than the next.'
Just then, an overweight woman at the next table, picked up her giant soda and plate of disgusting food and moved from within earshot of Susan.
In the meantime, the husband knew exactly what Susan needed and got her a chili cheese dog from Nathan's. It was fabulous!
5.25.2011
5.24.2011
5.23.2011
Over the weekend Susan spent an entire afternoon in a bridal shop. Oy.
That has got to be the worst job in the world. Susan can't imagine having to spend eight hours in the company of sweet young brides and their entourage every damned day.
As far as Susan is aware there is nothing that an impending bride can say that she wants to hear.
What, how shiny and beautiful the world is? No!
About the tropical honeymoon?
Again, no!
And, how about all those monotonous white dresses? Susan wouldn't be able to fake her way through a single You look beautiful, darling!
Ugh, she couldn't.
That has got to be the worst job in the world. Susan can't imagine having to spend eight hours in the company of sweet young brides and their entourage every damned day.
As far as Susan is aware there is nothing that an impending bride can say that she wants to hear.
What, how shiny and beautiful the world is? No!
About the tropical honeymoon?
Again, no!
And, how about all those monotonous white dresses? Susan wouldn't be able to fake her way through a single You look beautiful, darling!
Ugh, she couldn't.
5.22.2011
The old folks are in town to sleep in Susan's basement for ten days. The husband volunteered to retrieve them in the middle of a foggy night then managed to slam three of her father's fingers in the trunk before they left the airport.
The next day Susan's mother accompanied her as she ran errands including one she hasn't done in thirty years; to open a savings account.
Susan hates banks.
HATES.
She hates how they're not on her side but pretend they are.
She hates how they tell her NO instead of yes.
She hates their condescending manner as they steal her money one fee at a time.
In the past Susan has walked out of banks while waiting for someone to assist her, like here.
This time Susan took her profoundly jaded and unenthusiastic self to a credit union and allowed William to open an account for her. He got down to business without any fake chit chat. William provided Susan with all the information about her new account and none of it bugged her. During the transaction Susan noticed a change sorting machine, William told her that it was free for members.
When Susan was done she thanked William and left feeling very even tempered, not at all like someone who was just pawed in the back of a car, had her pockets picked & then got dropped off in the middle of nowhere.
Susan will be curious to see if this relationship lasts.
The next day Susan's mother accompanied her as she ran errands including one she hasn't done in thirty years; to open a savings account.
Susan hates banks.
HATES.
She hates how they're not on her side but pretend they are.
She hates how they tell her NO instead of yes.
She hates their condescending manner as they steal her money one fee at a time.
In the past Susan has walked out of banks while waiting for someone to assist her, like here.
This time Susan took her profoundly jaded and unenthusiastic self to a credit union and allowed William to open an account for her. He got down to business without any fake chit chat. William provided Susan with all the information about her new account and none of it bugged her. During the transaction Susan noticed a change sorting machine, William told her that it was free for members.
When Susan was done she thanked William and left feeling very even tempered, not at all like someone who was just pawed in the back of a car, had her pockets picked & then got dropped off in the middle of nowhere.
Susan will be curious to see if this relationship lasts.
5.17.2011
Susan accomplished the impossible and left work early one day last week.She drove to the greatest city in the world with her little sister and youngest niece to admire the artistic thesis of her art school niece.
The niece calls it You're Making Me Nervous which undoubtedly refers to the likelihood of making a living after graduation.
5.15.2011
Susan turned on the TV at the exact moment the Barefoot Contessa whipped out a puff pastry.
Oh, yes!
Pesto and goat cheese and sundried tomatoes and toasted pignolli.
It just got better and better!
Susan finds the Barefoot Contessa's conversational style to be very soothing. If only Susan could vault the ten foot hedge out in East Hampton and be Ina's friend. She might even help Susan meet Alec Baldwin.
Susan never revealed that she went to high school with Alec Baldwin, did she? He was two years ahead of her so the closest she ever got was to pass by him in the hallway. She can't explain why she was aware of him at all because she didn't associate outside of her grade. She wasn't involved in sports or the drama club or anything extra curricular. She didn't have a boyfriend or friends with boyfriends. Who knows.
It will have to remain a high school mystery. But there's no mystery to her obsession with puff pastry.
That is a love of pure, flaky butter.
Oh, yes!
Pesto and goat cheese and sundried tomatoes and toasted pignolli.
It just got better and better!
Susan finds the Barefoot Contessa's conversational style to be very soothing. If only Susan could vault the ten foot hedge out in East Hampton and be Ina's friend. She might even help Susan meet Alec Baldwin.
Susan never revealed that she went to high school with Alec Baldwin, did she? He was two years ahead of her so the closest she ever got was to pass by him in the hallway. She can't explain why she was aware of him at all because she didn't associate outside of her grade. She wasn't involved in sports or the drama club or anything extra curricular. She didn't have a boyfriend or friends with boyfriends. Who knows.
It will have to remain a high school mystery. But there's no mystery to her obsession with puff pastry.
That is a love of pure, flaky butter.
5.08.2011
5.07.2011
The first year of Susan's marriage she accompanied her husband to what turned out to be a fancy party.
She questioned him about the dress code and he said People are coming from work meaning just wear your work outfit.
So she did.
Susan remembers exactly what she wore sixteen years ago, may she bore you with the description?
She chose a high waisted, khaki green pencil skirt into which she tucked a soft cream colored blouse with a floral pattern woven into the fabric. She doesn't recall the footwear but she looked very nice for work.
Her first inkling that something was wrong came as she & the husband arrived at the party and observed bejeweled women in furs getting out of limousines.
She has never trusted the husband's opinion on such an important social matter since.
Friday night Susan accompanied the husband to a party celebrating the significant birthday of a longtime pal. In the morning Susan dressed for work with the party in mind. She chose something dark and slimming with a dark sweater that cinched at the waist in case she got chilly.
Her first inkling that something was wrong came as she & the husband approached the house, which was on the water and windy as a sonofab*tch, and saw a big tent in the yard.
The party is outside? Susan glared at the husband who was wearing his heavy jacket.
Yes sez he.
It was cold! Everyone was dressed in their arctic gear. Susan was in heels with painted toenails.
Susan analyzed, adapted and overcame.
She positioned herself at the blazing firepit and had a great time. She chatted with old friends, drank red wine, ate and then went home smelling like a campfire.
She questioned him about the dress code and he said People are coming from work meaning just wear your work outfit.
So she did.
Susan remembers exactly what she wore sixteen years ago, may she bore you with the description?
She chose a high waisted, khaki green pencil skirt into which she tucked a soft cream colored blouse with a floral pattern woven into the fabric. She doesn't recall the footwear but she looked very nice for work.
Her first inkling that something was wrong came as she & the husband arrived at the party and observed bejeweled women in furs getting out of limousines.
She has never trusted the husband's opinion on such an important social matter since.
Friday night Susan accompanied the husband to a party celebrating the significant birthday of a longtime pal. In the morning Susan dressed for work with the party in mind. She chose something dark and slimming with a dark sweater that cinched at the waist in case she got chilly.
Her first inkling that something was wrong came as she & the husband approached the house, which was on the water and windy as a sonofab*tch, and saw a big tent in the yard.
The party is outside? Susan glared at the husband who was wearing his heavy jacket.
Yes sez he.
It was cold! Everyone was dressed in their arctic gear. Susan was in heels with painted toenails.
Susan analyzed, adapted and overcame.
She positioned herself at the blazing firepit and had a great time. She chatted with old friends, drank red wine, ate and then went home smelling like a campfire.
5.02.2011
4.30.2011
Susan has a teeny little office.
It started out as the back end of the office next to hers, but one wall and a door later Susan has a place to toil the hours away.
Susan's office has a dorm sized fridge thanks to her niece's departure from the sleep away portion of art school.
On top of the fridge is a wonderful Keurig coffee machine, a gift from her boss in appreciation of all the hours Susan spends pulling her hair out in the teeny office.
For the last few months Susan has been working on an art project, a triptych of collages, completed after much agony.
Susan quietly humped them in to work and had them hung on her wall then practiced behaving modestly in anticipation of the praise she would receive for her awesome talents with glue stick and magazine cut outs.
Here's Susan's fave comment thus far:
They look like motel art.
It started out as the back end of the office next to hers, but one wall and a door later Susan has a place to toil the hours away.
Susan's office has a dorm sized fridge thanks to her niece's departure from the sleep away portion of art school.
On top of the fridge is a wonderful Keurig coffee machine, a gift from her boss in appreciation of all the hours Susan spends pulling her hair out in the teeny office.
For the last few months Susan has been working on an art project, a triptych of collages, completed after much agony.
Susan quietly humped them in to work and had them hung on her wall then practiced behaving modestly in anticipation of the praise she would receive for her awesome talents with glue stick and magazine cut outs.
Here's Susan's fave comment thus far:
They look like motel art.
4.28.2011
Susan has it on secondhand authority that two of her cousins are engaged in a Facebook fight.
It was explained to Susan,
by someone who wasn't there,
that an Easter Sunday conversation later degenerated into a nasty FB brouhaha.
Comment pileup is a common hazard in this setting and it's always fun to see what they reveal about the commenter.
Usually it's nothing good.
It was explained to Susan,
by someone who wasn't there,
that an Easter Sunday conversation later degenerated into a nasty FB brouhaha.
Comment pileup is a common hazard in this setting and it's always fun to see what they reveal about the commenter.
Usually it's nothing good.
4.27.2011
4.26.2011
You all know that scene with Julie Andrews twirling against the backdrop of the Alps? Well, that's how Susan feels about her new obsession,
PUFF PASTRY.
Every weekend Susan sautes something delicious and wraps a puff pastry around it.
Mushrooms, sausage, broccoli rabe, goat cheese?
Yes, yes, yes, YES!
Susan can't believe that she's gotten to her advanced age without it.
Carmelized onions, prosciutto, mozzarella?
Yes!
Pears, walnuts and bleu cheese?
No!
That was a test.
Were you fooled?
PUFF PASTRY.
Every weekend Susan sautes something delicious and wraps a puff pastry around it.
Mushrooms, sausage, broccoli rabe, goat cheese?
Yes, yes, yes, YES!
Susan can't believe that she's gotten to her advanced age without it.
Carmelized onions, prosciutto, mozzarella?
Yes!
Pears, walnuts and bleu cheese?
No!
That was a test.
Were you fooled?
4.22.2011
4.10.2011
Susan is going to tell you something then ask if you've ever heard of such bullsh*t before in your life.
Susan is able to maintain a stash of dark chocolate in the house because no one else likes it. They don't like it so they don't look for it. Even still, Susan keeps her dark chocolate eating restricted to the husband's company. She trusts him.
The lure of dark chocolate was too much and drove the husband to weave a web of bullsh*t.
Let me see that chocolate he sez.
You don't like it.
Yes I do.
No you don't, it's not sweet.
It absolutely is sweet.
You're completely full of sh*t and will say anything to get my chocolate.
I like dark chocolate.
F*ck you, liar.
Susan is able to maintain a stash of dark chocolate in the house because no one else likes it. They don't like it so they don't look for it. Even still, Susan keeps her dark chocolate eating restricted to the husband's company. She trusts him.
The lure of dark chocolate was too much and drove the husband to weave a web of bullsh*t.
Let me see that chocolate he sez.
You don't like it.
Yes I do.
No you don't, it's not sweet.
It absolutely is sweet.
You're completely full of sh*t and will say anything to get my chocolate.
I like dark chocolate.
F*ck you, liar.
4.07.2011
4.03.2011
Susan located a folder of e-mailed photos that survived when her brand new birthday laptop killed itself after taking her pictures and all her music hostage.
These two are of her old man and his Pan Am pals, Bill and Charlie taking a bi-plane ride way back in 2006. 
Susan can't imagine anything she'd like less than being strapped into a teeny plane with no roof or anything to protect her when she panics and tries to jump out.
Go, pop!
These two are of her old man and his Pan Am pals, Bill and Charlie taking a bi-plane ride way back in 2006. 
Susan can't imagine anything she'd like less than being strapped into a teeny plane with no roof or anything to protect her when she panics and tries to jump out.Go, pop!
4.02.2011
OMG guys, you are too fantastic!
Really.
Imagine Susan is giving each one of you a BIG HUG filled with sincerity and warmth and maybe a little boob smush.
Hers are only B cups.
It was really lovely to see all your comments of concern, encouragement and support and Susan appreciates the crap out of them.
Thank you, darlings.
That being said, Susan would like to reassure you that everything is fine other than the normal troubles of modern life;
unaffordable mortgage modifications,
twelve hour work days with a few weekends thrown in,
male members of her household making the bathroom smell like urine, the absence of springtime in her neighborhood,
a favorite earring gone missing,
dog hair everywhere.
During her bloggy black out Susan stayed up past her bedtime to watch this movie which she loved as a teenager, invited her little sister over to watch this movie, stayed in bed late on a Sunday morning to watch this movie and had to leave for work in the middle of this movie which required all her self discipline because Bette Davis and Mary Astor were at each other's throats.
She also treated herself to a quartet of Young's Double Chocolate Stout on which she will report back later.
Really.
Imagine Susan is giving each one of you a BIG HUG filled with sincerity and warmth and maybe a little boob smush.
Hers are only B cups.
It was really lovely to see all your comments of concern, encouragement and support and Susan appreciates the crap out of them.
Thank you, darlings.
That being said, Susan would like to reassure you that everything is fine other than the normal troubles of modern life;
unaffordable mortgage modifications,
twelve hour work days with a few weekends thrown in,
male members of her household making the bathroom smell like urine, the absence of springtime in her neighborhood,
a favorite earring gone missing,
dog hair everywhere.
During her bloggy black out Susan stayed up past her bedtime to watch this movie which she loved as a teenager, invited her little sister over to watch this movie, stayed in bed late on a Sunday morning to watch this movie and had to leave for work in the middle of this movie which required all her self discipline because Bette Davis and Mary Astor were at each other's throats.
She also treated herself to a quartet of Young's Double Chocolate Stout on which she will report back later.
3.30.2011
Susan's been offline for two weeks, did you miss her?
She can't hear you.
DID YOU MISS HER?
Susan's time away was capped by a total freak out meltdown where she cried at her desk, shrieked at her husband, broke her phone and then forced her children to give her hugs.
Currently, she's depleted.
There's nothing left of her but an empty sack of freckled skin which she tried to fill with wine, but even that didn't help.
However, she was able to snap her phone back together and turn it on.
She can't hear you.
DID YOU MISS HER?
Susan's time away was capped by a total freak out meltdown where she cried at her desk, shrieked at her husband, broke her phone and then forced her children to give her hugs.
Currently, she's depleted.
There's nothing left of her but an empty sack of freckled skin which she tried to fill with wine, but even that didn't help.
However, she was able to snap her phone back together and turn it on.
3.17.2011
Susan's childhood pal, Grace wished her a happy St. Paddy's day and reminded her that 36 years ago they were on their way to watch the parade then go drink in Central Park.
Susan believes it was only 33 years ago.
She recalls a drunken conversation with her mother from a Penn Station pay phone requesting to stay out past her curfew, but that could have been from another day.
Anyway, Susan is sorry for the quality of her BLAHg post today, she knows it's not her best and invites you to read this one from two years ago, which is better because at least it's informative.
Thank you.
Susan believes it was only 33 years ago.
She recalls a drunken conversation with her mother from a Penn Station pay phone requesting to stay out past her curfew, but that could have been from another day.
Anyway, Susan is sorry for the quality of her BLAHg post today, she knows it's not her best and invites you to read this one from two years ago, which is better because at least it's informative.
Thank you.
3.14.2011
Susan is taking a suggestion from Mama Kat and will fascinate you with what she has been daydreaming about.
Susan has a recurring daydream of gaining ten pounds in Italy, but who wouldn't like to do that?
She has another daydream of seeing that her medium sized children develop all the skills they'll need to navigate the tricky times in their lives. But, so does every parent.
She also daydreams of straightening out her mortgage and squeezing out a few more years in the working class neighborhood she calls home. But, so do a million other people.
Leaving Acme Sweatshop on time at the end of the day is a total fantasy daydream, completely ridiculous and unattainable, so she doesn't really bother thinking about that.
Susan dreams about something that she just might be able to pull off, something she deserves, something she will take tender care of for as long as she can.
Susan daydreams about all new towels and sheets!
Big, soft, wonderful towels with patterns woven into their plushness. Towels that will not be bleached the first week she purchases them because the children have grabbed them direct from the pool. Towels that will elevate whichever bathroom she places them in. Towels that will show her guests how much she values their comfort.
And sheets!
Sheets that actually fit around all four corners of the bed, that are not stitched together where the dog shredded them when she forgot to close the bedroom door. Sheets that don't have their own bleach related issues. Sheets that come in pretty colors! Maybe with flowers!
Sheets and towels throughout the whole house is Susan's daydream.
Susan has a recurring daydream of gaining ten pounds in Italy, but who wouldn't like to do that?
She has another daydream of seeing that her medium sized children develop all the skills they'll need to navigate the tricky times in their lives. But, so does every parent.
She also daydreams of straightening out her mortgage and squeezing out a few more years in the working class neighborhood she calls home. But, so do a million other people.
Leaving Acme Sweatshop on time at the end of the day is a total fantasy daydream, completely ridiculous and unattainable, so she doesn't really bother thinking about that.
Susan dreams about something that she just might be able to pull off, something she deserves, something she will take tender care of for as long as she can.
Susan daydreams about all new towels and sheets!
Big, soft, wonderful towels with patterns woven into their plushness. Towels that will not be bleached the first week she purchases them because the children have grabbed them direct from the pool. Towels that will elevate whichever bathroom she places them in. Towels that will show her guests how much she values their comfort.
And sheets!
Sheets that actually fit around all four corners of the bed, that are not stitched together where the dog shredded them when she forgot to close the bedroom door. Sheets that don't have their own bleach related issues. Sheets that come in pretty colors! Maybe with flowers!
Sheets and towels throughout the whole house is Susan's daydream.
3.13.2011
Susan's town threw their annual St. Paddy's Day parade. There were plenty of porta pottys, bagpipers, marching bands, twirlers, national high school varsity cheerleading champs, girl scouts, policemen on bicycles, firemen in dress blues leading rows and rows of fire trucks, flags and sirens, a marine rescue unit, antique cars, bands on flatbed trucks, a NY State Senator and a very enthusiastic crowd out with their dogs including some dressed in Guinness hats.
3.08.2011
Susan was all set to b*tch about an advertisement she saw for the Ritz-Carlton when she got some extreme mood elevating news from Maggy at Three Many Cooks.
Susan won Levain Bakery COOKIES!
Unfortunately, she wasn't wearing her thinking cap and blurted out her good fortune to the family. Now they're all on the lookout for Susan's cookies. Making matters worse, she's expecting four divine, six ounce cookies (free of additives or preservatives) which exactly corresponds to the amount of people waiting at the mailbox.
She has no idea how she'll avoid sharing them.
Back to the Ritz-Carlton advertisement.
Of course it features a standard good looking couple embracing on a beach. Ho hum.
Leaving Everything Behind. Yet, Discovering So Much. Yuk.
Then it lists a bunch of things that Susan would never do, like bike riding and windsurfing, calling them a host of experiences she'll treasure for a lifetime. A romantic dinner with ocean views will guarantee she achieves the perfect day.
Susan loves a nice dinner, but romantic? Can't Susan just eat her steak au poivre without having to gaze into the husband's eyes and speak of love? That's not how she likes to conduct herself.
What is romantic anyway? She's down with the candlelight and wine and maybe a wink & a nod, but anything else and she's calling for the check.
Susan won Levain Bakery COOKIES!
Unfortunately, she wasn't wearing her thinking cap and blurted out her good fortune to the family. Now they're all on the lookout for Susan's cookies. Making matters worse, she's expecting four divine, six ounce cookies (free of additives or preservatives) which exactly corresponds to the amount of people waiting at the mailbox.
She has no idea how she'll avoid sharing them.
Back to the Ritz-Carlton advertisement.
Of course it features a standard good looking couple embracing on a beach. Ho hum.
Leaving Everything Behind. Yet, Discovering So Much. Yuk.
Then it lists a bunch of things that Susan would never do, like bike riding and windsurfing, calling them a host of experiences she'll treasure for a lifetime. A romantic dinner with ocean views will guarantee she achieves the perfect day.
Susan loves a nice dinner, but romantic? Can't Susan just eat her steak au poivre without having to gaze into the husband's eyes and speak of love? That's not how she likes to conduct herself.
What is romantic anyway? She's down with the candlelight and wine and maybe a wink & a nod, but anything else and she's calling for the check.
3.06.2011
Susan began her day baking beer bread with a bottle of Guinness, but she's still not sure if she liked eating bread that tasted like stout. Later this week she'll throw some caraway seeds & raisins into it and see if anyone mistakes it for Irish soda bread.
She'll also make the Guinness brownies requested by her little sister. Susan's got no idea what they'll taste like, in her mind they could go either way. But, on the slim chance they're worth making she'll hip you to the recipe.
Can you wait?
She'll also make the Guinness brownies requested by her little sister. Susan's got no idea what they'll taste like, in her mind they could go either way. But, on the slim chance they're worth making she'll hip you to the recipe.
Can you wait?
3.02.2011
3.01.2011
Susan is on a new drug.
It's called CHARLIE SHEEN and is widely available.
Originally she didn't give him much thought, but then she became acquainted with the prowess of his oratory skills.
Describing how he quit drugs and booze Charlie Sheen said I closed my eyes and made it so with the power of my mind.
His confidence is exhilarating and Susan can't wait to bound out of bed each morning to see what he said while she was sleeping.
He exposes people to magic.
In the meantime here's a charming little website discovered by Susan's friend, Fireball.
It's called CHARLIE SHEEN and is widely available.
Originally she didn't give him much thought, but then she became acquainted with the prowess of his oratory skills.
Describing how he quit drugs and booze Charlie Sheen said I closed my eyes and made it so with the power of my mind.
His confidence is exhilarating and Susan can't wait to bound out of bed each morning to see what he said while she was sleeping.
He exposes people to magic.
In the meantime here's a charming little website discovered by Susan's friend, Fireball.
2.27.2011
Susan and her daughter made these donut holes yesterday for their dinner guests. Susan ate them till she was sick and now she can't button her pants. Make them yourself if you dare.
2.25.2011
Susan is sort of missing Wild Bill who just up & took off without so much as a text goodbye to his sisters.But, he's easy to track down and they anticipate that he'll be back in the summer. Hopefully alone.
This photograph of Susan with Wild Bill and their little sister is from way back in 1988 when little sister was
in the family way with the first of Susan's nieces. The photographer, Wild Bill's girlfriend at that time, remains one of Susan's favorite friends and periodic houseguest.
It's also nice to know that the years haven't beaten the sibs up too badly.
2.21.2011
2.20.2011
Susan can't do everything.
She can't work ten hour days at Acme Sweatshop and have time left over to drink sangria and BLAHg.
She can't do it, she's only one person and a very low energy person at that.
If she BLAHgs then she can't read her pals' blogs, and when she reads her pals' blogs she can't always come up with a decent comment.
Susan employs an alternating schedule of BLAHging or reading blogs or sleeping. Sometimes she has to work in a marital obligation or two and then everything's thrown off.
She can't work ten hour days at Acme Sweatshop and have time left over to drink sangria and BLAHg.
She can't do it, she's only one person and a very low energy person at that.
If she BLAHgs then she can't read her pals' blogs, and when she reads her pals' blogs she can't always come up with a decent comment.
Susan employs an alternating schedule of BLAHging or reading blogs or sleeping. Sometimes she has to work in a marital obligation or two and then everything's thrown off.
2.19.2011
Susan's done bending over.
She's been bending over for almost five decades and she's through with it. From now on someone else can bend the f*ck over.
She's already abdicated vacuuming, which requires tons of bending over. Did she say abdicated?
That's incorrect.
She meant to say that she engages in the same argument every Friday night with the son about vacuuming on Saturday morning. If he's unavailable on Saturday morning then the vacuuming is to be done on Friday night. But, not only does she have to argue with the son she's also got to argue with the husband about not arguing with the son.
Somebody's insane and it's not Susan.
Next, Susan will no longer be bending over to pick up the change that falls out of the husband's pockets when he takes his pants off. Susan's husband doesn't even attempt to pick up the change, like somehow it's not his job. She hears the change hit the floor every night and thinks the same thing I'm not bending over to pick up that f*cking change.
She's not bending over to pick up other people's belongings from places they shouldn't be. She's not bending over to get a new garbage bag from underneath the sink or to clean around the toilet or to pull laundry out of the dryer or to unplug the printer in order to get it out of the dining room when there's company for dinner.
She'll bend over to fill the dog's bowl that's it.
She's been bending over for almost five decades and she's through with it. From now on someone else can bend the f*ck over.
She's already abdicated vacuuming, which requires tons of bending over. Did she say abdicated?
That's incorrect.
She meant to say that she engages in the same argument every Friday night with the son about vacuuming on Saturday morning. If he's unavailable on Saturday morning then the vacuuming is to be done on Friday night. But, not only does she have to argue with the son she's also got to argue with the husband about not arguing with the son.
Somebody's insane and it's not Susan.
Next, Susan will no longer be bending over to pick up the change that falls out of the husband's pockets when he takes his pants off. Susan's husband doesn't even attempt to pick up the change, like somehow it's not his job. She hears the change hit the floor every night and thinks the same thing I'm not bending over to pick up that f*cking change.
She's not bending over to pick up other people's belongings from places they shouldn't be. She's not bending over to get a new garbage bag from underneath the sink or to clean around the toilet or to pull laundry out of the dryer or to unplug the printer in order to get it out of the dining room when there's company for dinner.
She'll bend over to fill the dog's bowl that's it.
2.14.2011
Happy St. Valentine's Day to Susan!
She received a heart shaped box purchased from a real chocolate shop which was tied up with a wide satin ribbon and filled with dark chocolates. Score!
She broke with her selfish protocol by suggesting that the husband present it to both her and the daughter.
Sometimes she does things just to make other people happy.
She received a heart shaped box purchased from a real chocolate shop which was tied up with a wide satin ribbon and filled with dark chocolates. Score!
She broke with her selfish protocol by suggesting that the husband present it to both her and the daughter.
Sometimes she does things just to make other people happy.
2.12.2011
Susan's son remarked to Susan,
I can't wait till I get a car, know why?
Her brain immediately ran through all the reasons an newly minted fifteen year old might have;
To pick up slutty girls
To drive really fast and cause accidents
To do three sixties over the frozen lake like Susan had seen someone do the other week.
OMG, no!
Me and my friends are going to drive to restaurants and tell them it's my birthday so that we get free food.
Susan broke into a BIG smile, danced a little jig and gave silent thanks to the Lord, God Almighty for keeping her son sweet a little while longer.
I can't wait till I get a car, know why?
Her brain immediately ran through all the reasons an newly minted fifteen year old might have;
To pick up slutty girls
To drive really fast and cause accidents
To do three sixties over the frozen lake like Susan had seen someone do the other week.
OMG, no!
Me and my friends are going to drive to restaurants and tell them it's my birthday so that we get free food.
Susan broke into a BIG smile, danced a little jig and gave silent thanks to the Lord, God Almighty for keeping her son sweet a little while longer.
2.07.2011
Susan is delighted to report that she had absolutely zero exposure to the Superbowl on Sunday. Nothing.
No lame commercials, no halftime show. Who was even playing? It could have been the Jets and the Sharks for all she knew.
Instead, she spent those hours in the company of Nigella Lawson.
Nigella showed Susan how to make paella.
Then she showed Susan how to make an egg and bacon salad.
Then a voluptuous fruit tart.
Heavens!
Susan is smitten, she could watch Nigella cook until the end of time. Nigella is all soft roundness and femininity and cleavage with a little swing of the hair.
Susan and Nigella have a few things in common;
They are the same age!
The both like garlic oil!
They both use a rice cooker!
Susan wants to know how Nigella removed her fruit tart intact from the deep sided flan tin with fluted edges.
No lame commercials, no halftime show. Who was even playing? It could have been the Jets and the Sharks for all she knew.
Instead, she spent those hours in the company of Nigella Lawson.
Nigella showed Susan how to make paella.
Then she showed Susan how to make an egg and bacon salad.
Then a voluptuous fruit tart.
Heavens!
Susan is smitten, she could watch Nigella cook until the end of time. Nigella is all soft roundness and femininity and cleavage with a little swing of the hair.
Susan and Nigella have a few things in common;
They are the same age!
The both like garlic oil!
They both use a rice cooker!
Susan wants to know how Nigella removed her fruit tart intact from the deep sided flan tin with fluted edges.
2.05.2011
Susan's friend Fireball surprised her with the most wonderful gift; a BIG bag of dark chocolate covered almonds.
Please indulge Susan as she describes the almonds to you.
First of all, they are AMAZINGLY CRUNCHY. For someone who adores crunchy things, they are the epitome of crunch. Just fabulously crunchy.
Next, the chocolate covering is DARK CHOCOLATE, not that wimpy milk chocolate that everyone loves. Milk chocolate does nothing for Susan, although she has been known to eat more than her share of it. Susan is all about the intoxicatingly dark, barely sweet chocolate.
Lastly, the chocolate is more of a dusting over the almonds than a layer allowing Susan to eat more of them per serving.
The lovely bag of almonds are locked inside the little baby fridge that Susan keeps in her teeny little office. She doesn't have to hide them from anyone, they are there waiting for her whenever she wants. Just for her.
May God bless and keep Fireball.
Please indulge Susan as she describes the almonds to you.
First of all, they are AMAZINGLY CRUNCHY. For someone who adores crunchy things, they are the epitome of crunch. Just fabulously crunchy.
Next, the chocolate covering is DARK CHOCOLATE, not that wimpy milk chocolate that everyone loves. Milk chocolate does nothing for Susan, although she has been known to eat more than her share of it. Susan is all about the intoxicatingly dark, barely sweet chocolate.
Lastly, the chocolate is more of a dusting over the almonds than a layer allowing Susan to eat more of them per serving.
The lovely bag of almonds are locked inside the little baby fridge that Susan keeps in her teeny little office. She doesn't have to hide them from anyone, they are there waiting for her whenever she wants. Just for her.
May God bless and keep Fireball.
2.03.2011
Susan walked past a television set at the exact moment that Oprah was asking Jennifer Lopez how she manages with two little ones at home. She imagines that Oprah was referring to Jennifer Lopez's career making billions of dollars while raising twins.
Jennifer Lopez's started to explain by saying 'Like any working mom...' and that's when Susan's emotional barometer went all the way to HATE.
F*cking dopey b*tch.
Jennifer Lopez's started to explain by saying 'Like any working mom...' and that's when Susan's emotional barometer went all the way to HATE.
F*cking dopey b*tch.
2.02.2011
Last Friday night, Susan realizes that Friday night was ridiculously long ago, but last Friday night she had a previously established date with Cousin Lisa. Due to an extreme case of Workplace Freak Out Susan cancelled Cousin Lisa.
As the week progressed and Susan got a handle on things she reinstated the date with Cousin Lisa. Then Susan got a phone call from her pal and periodic house guest, GP who was in town for one night only.
Susan's second cancellation of Cousin Lisa didn't go over well.
Susan and Cousin Lisa have a long standing history of lengthy conversations and were able to talk through their way through this little blip. Susan apologized and admitted to not knowing what to do after she accepted the invitation then found that GP had driven thirty hours to her side of the country and only had an availability for the same date.
It's certainly easier to reschedule with Cousin Lisa than it is with GP, so is that the criteria that should be employed to determine the answer? Maybe it had been tricky for Cousin Lisa to arrange, maybe she was looking forward to seeing Susan, maybe she just didn't want to give her up.
The outcome was that GP got to watch Susan argue with her family all night over a range of topics including, but not limited to; vacuuming, strawberry jelly and the lack of adequate income.
As the week progressed and Susan got a handle on things she reinstated the date with Cousin Lisa. Then Susan got a phone call from her pal and periodic house guest, GP who was in town for one night only.
Susan's second cancellation of Cousin Lisa didn't go over well.
Susan and Cousin Lisa have a long standing history of lengthy conversations and were able to talk through their way through this little blip. Susan apologized and admitted to not knowing what to do after she accepted the invitation then found that GP had driven thirty hours to her side of the country and only had an availability for the same date.
It's certainly easier to reschedule with Cousin Lisa than it is with GP, so is that the criteria that should be employed to determine the answer? Maybe it had been tricky for Cousin Lisa to arrange, maybe she was looking forward to seeing Susan, maybe she just didn't want to give her up.
The outcome was that GP got to watch Susan argue with her family all night over a range of topics including, but not limited to; vacuuming, strawberry jelly and the lack of adequate income.
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