Alright, alright, calm down everybody. No black walls.

Susan's little sister recommended Susan paint the kitchen the color of Lucy the Lucky Pit Bull which is such a dark brown it may as well be black. Susan thinks she's just going to choose something a few shades darker than the newly painted cabinets and be done with it.

In the meantime Miss Twelve helped her father install a new linoleum tile kitchen floor. Susan was onsite during the critical initial stage to argue about how they should be placed. When she saw how enthusiastic and capable the daughter was Susan left the room to search for Celebrity Rehab on TV.

When she returned she was impressed with their progress, almost half the floor was done. Under closer inspection it was determined that the tiles were only sort of straight. Susan pulled them all up and made the team start over, this time under her supervision.

Miss Twelve displayed a wonderfully professional demeanor, free of complaining or pouting or anger. She stuck with it & finished as much of the floor as she could before everybody got sick of the project and quit for the evening.

Oh, and Susan would like everyone to say HAPPY BIRTHDAY to her mommy.

There is no balance in Susan's life. None.
It's all workworkworkwork then she goes home and drinks. Or sleeps. Or screams at people to hang up wet towels.

Today was Susan's birthday and it was a real crappy one. She was in a foul mood left over from yesterday and couldn't even fake a smile. Of course, she didn't really try.

People in the know wished Susan a happy birthday, gave her cards,
a flowering plant, a cake. That sort of helped, but only a little.

Susan's mood improved when her friend Fire Ball showed up with her little offspring. They presented Susan with a wonderful arrangement of orange Gerbera daisies and palm fronds then Susan allowed the little offspring to charm her into fifteen minutes of relaxation.

Later at home Susan's little sister and all her nieces showed up with a birthday cake, Susan blew the candles out unenthusiastically.

She told her little sister the story of the previous m*therf*cking rotten day at Acme Sweatshop then her little sister shared her own unpleasant work stories.

It seems that Susan is not alone in her birthday misery, and that knowledge was the best present of all.

Happy Birthday, Miss Twelve!

Susan turned 50 today, hooray for her!

She cartwheeled out of bed and was greeted by applause everywhere she went.

What a day.

But really folks, it was a great birthday that started with a pumpernickel bagel and ended with cake. In between there were mojitos & a nap, Wild Bill's garlic soup, unbelievably fantastic mashed potatoes and fried chicken cutlets. Oh, Susan got a couple of good gifts including a brand new laptop just for her!

Fourteen years ago Susan was sitting on a toilet with instructions to pee into a little cup. She was doubled over in so much pain that she couldn't even say
'Arrrrgggghhhh!' when she heard a knock on the door. Neither could she turn her head in that direction when an unsuspecting stranger walked in on her.
Or the next stranger or the stranger after that.

How is it possible to be in so much pain and not be dying? Holy crap! It's like all her years of menstral cramps were rolled up into a single contraction reoccuring every five minutes.

Eventually Susan got a stretchy waist band monitor strapped to her belly and found out that this crushing pain was normal for the circumstance. After pushing for three hours she had a baby. Susan didn't even think to ask what type of baby it was, she just asked for a can of Coke.

Three mornings later she woke up in her own bed, tiptoed to the basinette at the other end of the room and was almost suprised to find her teeny baby still there, right where she left him. She knew logically that he would be there but until she peered in and made visual contact she feared that he might have evaporated. This was made possible by a grant from Demerol, hormones, lack of sleep and regular old paranoia.

Keep your eyes peeled for related future posts;
Susan sits around with her top off all day long breastfeeding
Susan has a crush on her OB-GYN
Susan can't get out of the house before 4pm
Susan has another baby and learns how to cook.

In honor of Susan's son's fourteenth birthday this weekend here's fourteen things she likes about him:

• He's not mean
• He eats his vegetables
• He doesn't take crap from people
• Often he's cooperative
• He gets right out of bed when his alarm goes off
• He tells the truth much of the time
• His toilet cleaning skills are improving
• He's respectful
• He got into a tussle coming to the aid of a girl
• He's trustworthy within reason
• He's still affectionate, unlike his sister
• He likes to smell good
• He can be funny when he's not just making noise
• He's been the most delightful company since 1996

Little Sister's Birthday!

The other day was Little Sister's birthday. As little sisters go, Susan thinks hers is the best. She can't vouch for the absolute accuracy of her statement because she hasn't met every last little sister in the world, but Susan figures hers is close.
She's Susan's best and only.

Now, Susan's little sister isn't perfect; she's a bit passive-aggressive, likes to take charge of everything and engages in political pontification, but Susan manages to navigate around these defects by taking a nap on the couch. Or by telling her to shut up on her birthday.

Susan's little sister is pretty smart, very funny and can still retain most of what she reads in the newspaper. She can can throw a punch, feed a house full of people with no notice and still likes to play soccer even though she should have been retired years ago.

Little sister is a model of self sufficiency; she works a full time job, runs a business of her own, troubleshoots the computer, builds steps to the hot tub, fixes any number of things that break in the house and digs the hole to bury dead pets.

Susan's little sister has let pre-approved family members flop at her house without departure dates,
including Susan. Twice.
It is now the permanent residence of Wild Bill's daughter who they are all happy to have near. Wild Bill is still in the vicinity, although contact of late has been minimal.

Susan's little sister is talented at gift giving. Recent favorites include the assortment of Jesus sticky notes, a wooden wick candle that smelled terrific and lasted all winter and the big orange pocketbook that Susan wouldn't allow her to buy from a guy on the street last weekend. It was a nice oversized pocketbook in a favorite color but Susan's little sister is just as broke as Susan, plus they were verging on being late to see Carrie Fisher at the old Studio 54 and couldn't dedicate any more time to the transaction.

The sisters had a full weekend of togetherness; Friday night for birthday cake, Saturday night with Carrie Fisher and then all the next day at a soiree with their beloved girl cousins. By 10pm Sunday night the sound of little sister's voice made Susan's brain hurt.

22 Things Susan Likes About The Husband

Susan's husband had a birthday the other day, and even though it ended in a zero Susan didn't feel compelled to do anything about it other than make him coffee in the morning and submit to a personal request later on.

Susan isn't much for ceremony, she doesn't require it for herself and she doesn't provide it for others. She's not running out to spend four dollars on a card at the store, so don't wait for one. And, if you've told her more than every single time that you don't like the gift she's chosen for you, she's not giving you any more.

But, after so many years manacled together in wedded bliss, and even though she's got to force him to sit down and read her BLAHg, he still makes her happy.
Here's some reasons why;

• He makes fantastic meatballs
• Describing the birth of his son he said 'I never knew how exhausting it was to yell at someone for four hours'
• He sings
• He is very adept at winning arguments, but takes it easy on Susan
• He runs around in the yard with the kids
• He can be counted on to complete any disagreeable task
• He tells funny stories from his youth about neighborhood brawling
• He apologizes by saying 'I've decided to forgive you'
• He cracks Susan's toes
• He doesn't build himself up by making others feel small
• If he doesn't know something, he knows a guy who knows
• He ingores Susan when she gets all TWISTED and acts like a baby
• He doesn't worry about things he can't control
• He makes Susan's coffee exactly the way she likes it
• He can Lindy
• He liked the same moody 1975 album that Susan did
• He thinks Susan is funny
• He ordered a bushel of clams and didn't know what to do with them so he called up his friend George for suggestions & ended up making fantastic garlicy, steamed clams for Susan's birthday
• He's impressive with a yo-yo
• He sez that being mad at Susan is like being mad at a puppy
• He turns Susan's compost heap every week
• He raised two smart, independent, caring & wonderful girls before he was married to Susan that have always been terrific big sisters.

Happy Birthday, Sunshine!

Susan is lucky enough to have two children who she prefers over all other children, except maybe for children who don't whine when they're told to do something,
but she has yet to meet any.

Susan's son was born in the winter and every year she has to hold an off-premises birthday party because she can't accommodate a braying herd of boys in her house.
Her daughter was born in the summer and thank goodness for backyard parties. Susan loves backyard parties because although they require that she cleans the house, they also require much less money. Assuming she pays attention to how much she spends.

When her daughter was little Susan had to shame mothers into RSVP-ing or beg them to bring additional offspring in order to ensure a decent turnout.
Now that her daughter is eleven, chasing after guests is no longer necessary. The eleven year old took on the responsibility of writing all the invitations and each invitee called up to accept or decline on their own.
What mature girls!
Mothers' involvement is now limited to transportation,
not communication, which is fine with Susan.

In the past Susan has had to provide a series of games or crafty activities for the party guests, but not any more.
A simple above ground pool, water balloons and music is all that's necessary leaving Susan free to sit on the deck and drink sangria while her husband makes hamburgers.
Even when the party guests turn into overnight company a PG-13 movie and green nail polish keep them happy.

Susan was unsuccessful in abolishing the goody bags. Drats!
The eleven year old allowed Susan to simplify the contents to a gimmicky toy, a deck of cards and candy.
Happy Birthday, Sunshine!

Susan Had A Stinky Birthday

Susan learned a few rotten things about herself on her stinky birthday.
Sure, she woke up to find an adorable hand made card from her sweet daughter.
And everybody was nice to her all day, even the folks who didn't know it was her birthday.
And, what could be better than ending up at her little sister's house for a cocktail and dinner and a funny card and a home baked cheesecake?
But somewhere in between all of that she got her
fat birthday ass kicked at work.

Susan spent the bulk of the day alternating between wanting to die of embarrassment and wanting to cry,
but since she couldn't decide, she did neither.
She did, however, get a stomach ache that still hasn't gone away and she enjoyed a bad night's sleep.

Anyway, Susan values introspection particularly when it's jump-started by having her nose rubbed in her own mess.
She can't wait till she's 50.